Moving!!

I am moving my blog over to my website! You can now find me at http://www.elizabethsorgenfreiwrites.com/! We'll see you there :)

The Power of Three

When my son turned one it didn’t seem to faze me. I was fairly excited that we had made it to this milestone, because he shouldn’t have. He was premature at 36 weeks 6 days. He was considered premature by one day, but developmentally it felt like more than just a day. He didn’t breathe at first and by the grace of God we had a wonderful nurse that recognized this before it was too late. He ended up spending a week in the NICU, the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Even when he came home, I spent that first year sheltering him from everything and everyone because the littlest cold could kill him.

            After that first year, the fear diminished, I do not worry as much about him as I once did. I do not worry that tomorrow he could come home with RSV and we will end up right back in the hospital. Instead I worry about him growing up.

            I realized today that my baby is three. He is 90% of the way potty trained, drinks out of a glass, has a love for books, and talks in semi-complete sentences. This realization not only scares me it is heartbreaking. My fragile baby now tells me not “to touch me” and would rather play with his cars and watch a movie than sit on mommy’s lap (except right now, he's currently asking me which one of his books I want him to read to me). He can communicate exactly what he wants in words, not cries. The power of three.

            He is no longer considered a baby; he is a toddler. He can keep himself busy. He can be his own best friend. He can feed himself, and put himself to bed. I no longer have to frantically call the doctor when he is coughing so hard that he vomits, he now can have ‘big boy’ cough medicine, and he takes it like a pro! The power of three.

            He's learned to ride a bike. He's learned how to open a bag of cheez its. Not only is he growing and learning new things, but so is mommy, so am I. The power of three.

            I am learning patience, and succeeding in more than I ever thought I would have. I am learning that this is not the last time I am going to have to let him go right into the mud with his trike or let him get scratched by the cat because he threw his cup at her. I can't protect him while our dog is trying to lick him, because he needs to learn to deal with problems himself. I never thought I would be that overprotective mom, but I am. I don’t want anyone or anything hurting my baby. But, he knows right from wrong and I cannot continue to shield him from the consequences. And as much as you might want to argue that he doesn’t know right from wrong I have a wonderful example: Today as he was being the ornery little boy that he is, he was walking towards my mother’s flower garden (which he knows he is not supposed to mess with).  As he is walking in a dead straight line towards this he looks back at me and grandma; he gives us a huge smile, leans down to touch the flower, turns back around and says to us “no. no!”
Or this: He had an accident today. He was too busy watching his movie to go potty. Well he wet himself, and instead of saying anything he started crying. He cried and cried and cried, until I told him he wasn't in trouble. Then he stopped crying.

            Even at three he knows right from wrong. Isn’t this incredible?

            The age of three is not just an age. It is a learning experience for everyone. Each person in my son’s life must learn the proper discipline and how much freedom each person will give. And for Mommy, well we must learn how to be patient and let go, so we can properly raise an independent, smart, man. 

It All Begins With a Dream

A year ago my Grandfather passed away. It was tragic. Death always is. But through meeting all this family that only remembered me when I was young and sweet, I met someone who started a dream of mine. I am currently living that dream.

Jody Keisner found out that one of my hair pulling dreams is to obtain a Masters in English Creative Writing, more specifically, Fiction Writing. At my Grandpa's funnel she came over and apologized for my loss and then started talking about my fiction writing. She talked about this MFA program out of UNO like it was the whip cream on top of a sundae, the best part. I shrugged her off and went back to wallowing in my sorrows.

A few weeks later MFA and UNO kept finding their way into my thoughts, I thought I was going crazy for awhile. They whispered their way into my life. Finally I got quite annoyed with my psyche and sat down to explore what this thing was all about. Soon I found it was a low-residency program.

This made it seem unattainable. I'm a mom I can't take nine days out of my life, my job, and away from my child. No matter how sweet the program is. But UNO and MFA kept whispering their names in the back of my mind. They drove me nuts.

Finally the time came to apply and make decisions. I applied for the Iowa Writers Workshop, because you can't be a writer and not apply to the program that everyone talks about, UNK, and then last but not least the pesky UNO MFA program.

As time when on last semester UNO and MFA kept appearing in my head, and on my Facebook page. I swear to you. This thing was haunting me. It was driving me nuts. I had it in my head that I was going to attend UNK for a Masters in Creative writing, and then I would maybe, only if money allowed, get an MFA. 

Well, I heard from UNO and the director, Jenna, was really pushing for an answer. Telling me that this was the right choice. I kept telling her I wasn't sure because I had never heard back from UNK as to whether I could teach and specifics on that program. So I laid down one night. In my mind I weighed the pros and cons of each school. 

I laid there and thought about my Grandpa, and how proud he would be of me to just be laying here and be making a decision about Graduate School. I thought about how I found out about this program--at his funeral. A voice in my head told me to "Just do it." 

I walked in for orientation, and was greeted with open arms. I was engulfed in love, appreciation, and acceptance. I was brought under the arms of some of the 4th semester and Graduating students. The first time I met Jenna she shook my hand and engulfed me in the love of a truly caring director. This love is what makes being here 9 days in a row not overwhelming, or boring, or over the top.

I've been here 6 days and already I feel like I have another family. And I do. I have met the beginnings of what will build and build to be known as my writing family.

Here I am, sitting in my hotel room taking in what seems like a dream, but I know this is right where I am supposed to be. I am appreciated, loved, and free here. This is where Grandpa wanted me to go. I was just too stubborn to take the hints. 

I also was offered a scholarship to be a Resident Assistant, this scholarship pays me in full room and board to be Jenna's right hand man. I cannot even begin to describe my thrill for this little bit of money and the opportunity to work side by side the one person that gave me the push, the little incentive I needed to make a decision, and follow the pesky voices in my head. This scholarship not only adds to my resume, but it also adds to the line of people and things telling me that I can't give up until I achieve this dream.

I am so thankful for being able to be 20 years old, attending Graduate School, Facetiming my son every night, and be somewhere where I am not a nerd, but rather a peer. I'm making memories, embracing the awkwardness, and for the first time in the past year I know Grandpa is standing beside Jesus looking down on me saying "Look, that's my grandbaby."

Identity: Embrace It or Die Trying to Be Someone You're Not.

The title says it all. I am who I am. I embrace being a teenage mother. Why? Because it's who I am! Why would I try to hide it? Being a teenage mom has gotten me to where I am today. It's lead me to success, shit I am graduating college in three years, I have bragging rights.

But what makes me mad is when people do not embrace their identity, and then turn around and dog on yours. I've been put down so many times for the lifestyle I choose, but I choose it not you. You don't have to live my life, in my shoes, so why tell me it's wrong?

You're probably wondering where the root of this came from. Well, I was sitting in a class the other day (I am going to keep this as anonymous as possible) and someone had the nerves to talk down on young moms. As I am sitting right there. Again I don't hide who I am everyone knows I had my son at a very young age. This individual kept saying how we are going no where in life, how it is wrong for teenagers to be allowed to have babies and how she doesn't appreciate paying for them. This is not the first time this individual has made such comments in front of me. But what really astonishes me is how this friend is all friendly and buddy buddy with me, as long as the topic of my son is not brought up. Sorry my son is my best friend, it is impossible to not talk about him!

Footnote: the video above I made before these comments were made.

Society's views on teenage pregnancy are a load of crap. Again I am graduating college at the age of 20, who are you to tell me what I should do. And for the record I am on no kind of state welfare! 

But what makes me even more mad is the saintly qualities this person presents to the world. I do not present to know it all, or that my lifestyle is the only one out there. I don't judge individuals to the best of my ability. That is not our place. We are all human. And no one is perfect. Please start acting like it. Because someday this person may find themselves in a statistical situation, and hunny Karma is a bitch.

My identity is a teenage mom. I don't pretend to be something other than that. So why do people talk bad about the who population with a member of that population sitting right beside them? 

I embrace it. I love being a young mom. I wouldn't change my life for the world. And the four moms in the video above embrace it too, because they are not what everyone wants to believe they are. They are not a statistic and they definitely are not Jenelle Evans (sorry Jenelle). We are not all barefoot and pregnant, doing nothing, and gettin no education (dialect indented). We do try to do our best. We do try to inspire others in our situation, because guess what IT'S NOT EASY. And it doesn't make it any easier when you stereotype us. 

I am to the point that I feel like I need to stand on a pedestal and yell to the world "I GOT PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I'M GRADUATING COLLEGE AT 20!" Will that help? Probably not. Will it make me feel better? Maybe.

My request for you, starting today. Try your hardest not to judge someone that doesn't live life the way you think they should. It's their life not yours. And secondly embrace who you are and realize we are all human. <3

A Ramble About Life Present in "Nineteen Minutes"

A lot has changed. But the thing that has changed the most is my perspective. My perspective on what you might ask. My perspective about the world around me. I am taking a censorship course this semester. My final paper is going to be over a book that is highly challenged due to it's content. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, deals with more than just a school shooting.

I am only 241 pages into this book (to be exact) and already I am questioning life around me. I am questioning my motives, how I treat people, and why in the world would people want to censor a book that talks about every single thing bad that can happen in life. Because frankly I would rather have my son experiencing this through a novel then in real life.

I am 241 pages in and already these themes have been covered: school shooting, bullying, young pregnancy, single motherhood, relationship abuse, sex, popularity, drinking and driving, death, ect. I could go on and on. Every horror that you don't want your child to experience first hand is presented in this novel.

To censor this book in schools is to censor life. I am positive that somewhere in this list you can relate to something. I am sure sometime in your life you have been bullied, or you've had someone die, or you've just wanted to fit in. Maybe you haven't found yourself in an abusive relationship or in the middle of a school shooting, but you've been in other bad places. This book brings these bad places together, to help sympathize with the child that's been bullied since his first day at kindergarten.

This book is one that I've cried with, I've laughed with, and I can only read so much of. I don't want to connect with these characters but Picoult does an amazing job of pulling you in. It takes a book like this to be able to sit down and look out the window and fully think about life and death, good and bad, and the future.

My goal in life isn't to just teach English. It's to inspire. I want to become someone that young girls and boys look up to and say "She  became successful, so can I." I want my name to be known not because I care about the money, but I want to change the world. Today when someone says "Oh she's a teenage mother" there are so many bad thoughts that go through someones head. Immediately they thing that you are on state welfare, WIC, and every help you can get from the state. Immediately they look down on you. They think nothing is becoming of your life and you ruined your life. Guess what! That is wrong!

Here I am, 20 years old and 39 days away from graduating with a Bachelor's degree. I have a three year old who I had at the age of 17. I am sure you can do the math, but let me help you. I got through a four year college degree program in three years.

Alex, a character in nineteen minutes, also gets pregnant young and raises her daughter by herself. She also becomes a Judge.

What am I trying to say? Frankly that this book may have pages and pages of horror, but it also has inspiration.

Opening your mind up to books, ideas, and horror can open your life up a new perspective. I hope that the parents that are challenging this book have read it for themselves, because if they have I don't think they would be challenging it. This book brings in all the ugly, and frankly I would rather go through this experience in a novel form than in real life.

Going through a traumatizing even like this in real life does not give a person room to understand the individual or the actions done. I sympathize with the shooter. Yes I said it. I feel bad for him. Why? He' s been bullied since kindergarten, by everyone! Including his older brother. All he wanted was to kill himself, but as he tells the cop "all the other kids got in the way." HOW SAD! This young man felt that the only way to be heard would be to kill himself.

I could ramble off passages that disturb me. But they don't disturb me because of the content they disturb me because nothing is being done to help this young man. One of his teachers even tells him mom that he has to learn to live with the bullying! Are you kidding me?!

Nobody likes to feel like they are nothing but a nuisance. Frankly I hope parents read this book and see that children can be moved by seeing what bullying does to a person. Not every child bullied will turn into a school shooter, but they will still be damaged.

Before challenging this book, look at the positives. Life is not rainbows and butterflies. It sucks! Reading about the horrors is better than experiencing them. I believe that this book can change a teenagers life.

Starting Over

It's always scary to start over, whether it's a job, changing your degree, moving, or a new relationship. For me it's a multitude of things. Despite others opinions I have started over with someone else, but that's my decision, right? Within this beginning with someone new I have decided to change my life style. And a lot of it. Those of you that know me personally know that I can not be the happiest camper, amazing right? Positive thinking is definitely not my strong suit, but I am making it such. For me my negative thinking went farther than just seeing the glass as half empty, it consumed my life. I was moody, mad, hated life, and always felt fucked. Literally. It seemed every day for the last two semester I have had the feeling that I am going to fail. I don't know why, I am a straight A student. It was dumb really. I was living in my own personal hell. Maybe it was because I just wasn't happy with life in general or maybe it was just me.

It hit me one day. Life doesn't suck. You are making it suck. And YOU need to change that. So that is exactly what I am doing. I've 'liked' thousands of things on Facebook that are about the power of positive thinking and I am honestly trying to distance myself from all the negative people in my life. I am starting my life over, fresh. In all honesty I have never been happier. Some say it's the new guy in my life that treats me like a Queen, and that is a lot of it. But the biggest aspect is me. I have changed my thinking. I'm not looking for the reasons to be unhappy, I am looking for the opposite. I didn't enjoy the last years of feeling like the world is always falling apart. I am sure you don't either, if you can relate to this.

Life is hard enough. Why do we make it harder? Why do we choose to surround ourselves with negative people? I have a challenge for you today. Distance yourself for the negativity, like the above image says. Start today, you'll see a difference. :) <3

Year, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved I. Pregnancy

It all began my senior year. I suppose I was going down a destructive path far before then, but this time God just gave up on me. Or maybe he just handed me the road to success; I can’t really say. All I know is my senior year of high school was a dreadful mistake...

            “Hey Edaline!” Maccyn shouts.

            “Hey! Whose Cubcat time are you in?”

            “Mr. Fineburg’s,” she says making a very prominent frowning face.

            “Oh my god! Me too!”

            “Yay! Did Jerrick take you home last night? I left pretty early,” she says.

            “Yeah, then we had a fight. He was all drunk and stuff. I don’t think it’ll last much longer. Did you hear from Jacoby?”

            “No, but I bet I will. His birthday party is in a couple weeks. Should we crash it?” I say with a sly smile on my face. Jacoby is my on and off boyfriend for the last five years, and he is turning 20 in a couple of weeks. Though we are not technically together at this moment I still want to show up at that party. I want us to be known as high school sweethearts who get married and have like four kids. I don’t want this yo-yo dating to continue.

            Maybe, because I am a senior it will help everything. Everything is always hard in high school, right? Everyone is going through changes, trying to find out who they are. Well I have always known who I am, but Jacoby, well that’s a different story. He always treats me like a child even though there is only a two year difference; I am 17 and he is 20. That shouldn’t matter though, they say men mature slower than women. Maybe this weekend I can prove I am not a child. Maybe I can prove to him that I am the wonderful young lady that he needs to fall in love with, because well I don’t want to have wasted these last five years to throw it all away. 

***

            The first week of school went by in a flash considering we only had two days. As the weekend approached the talk of going to Jacoby’s party, a party that could ruin my life.

            Standing by our vehicles (we always park together at school then at least we know who dings our vehicles) in Tahoma High School’s parking lot, I am spacing off staring at the wonderful white topped mountains in the background. That I would much rather focus on than this conversation. This week is our first football games, and according to Annabeth and Maccyn it was our “senior duty” to show up at the first football game. I would rather curl up with Mockingjay, and be taken into another world, but for now I suppose I must listen to what the theme for the football game is…

            “I really would like to go to the first game. What is the theme? Togas?” says Annabeth.

            “Yeah I think it is, let’s go to the game then out to Malster’s pre 20th party.” says Maccyn.

            “Why? So, we can all get drunk and then once again I get back together with him?” I say.

            “No. So, he can see how awesome you are doing without him. Besides I doubt you will even see him. It’ll be packed.” says Annabeth.

            Jacoby and I did not need to get back together again it was time for us to part ways. And we both know that us seeing each other will lead to this. I have had enough of him. “Fine. Meet at my house at 6 to get ready?”

            “Sounds good!” both the girls say in unison.

            Sighing I look down at my phone which has not stopped going off for even two minutes all day hope I see u tis weekend. I shiver with a thought of what is to come. I don’t want to become his child again. I already have parents I don’t need another…but, maybe Annabeth and Maccyn are right, maybe him seeing me looking super sexy will make him realize how much he misses me and then maybe he will change. For once.

***

Upon Annabeth’s arrival at my house, Maccyn is styling my long brown hair up into a twisted pony. “Do you guys really think I look okay?” I ask.

“Of course you do! Now after the game we can just take off the sheets and head out to Jacoby’s” says Annabeth, flipping her hair back to create volume.

Looking fabulous in my black skinny jeans that fit every curve of my legs perfectly, my shirt is a very loose bright pink v neck that plunged to my belly button, under that I have a black sparkle tank top. I look perfect. For once.

“I really want to make his jaw drop when I walk in.”

“Are you almost ready!?” Maccyn says while looking at her phone.

“Yeah, let me just pack my purse”

“Don’t forget your fake ID!” they say in unison.

I always do seem to forget that. I find  my hot pink crossbody purse, that’s as big as a tote bag and begin to fill it with my foundation, powder, lip gloss, mascara (both regular and waterproof), and eye liner, just in case my night took a turn for the worse then at least I can cover the bruises... I also decide to sneak some tissues, a flashlight and an extra shirt in the bottom of my bag just in case. I then throw in $20 and left my card in my change mug that way when that money is gone it’s gone. Maccyn coughs. “I’m almost ready!”  I throw in my cell phone, Ipod, a change of shoes, my flask, driver’s license, my fake ID for buying alcohol, and my car keys even though I am not driving. I zip it up quickly and run out of my room not realizing that Maccyn and Annabeth are already in my kitchen waiting on me.

“Okay, I’m ready. Bye Mom! I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home” I shout.

“Thanks hun” she replies, not even turning around from the kitchen sink to acknowledge that I’m leaving.

As we jump into Annabell’s truck I grab the USB cord for the stereo and crank up the music to LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It”.

When we arrived at the stadium, I look around just to realize that the whole town seems to be here..but that doesn’t take much. I checked for his vehicle, which was stupid he wouldn’t come to some high school football game even if I got down on my knees and begged. He is too good for that. But again, my mind goes to the glorious white tip mountains. Someday I wish I can disappear into those mountains forever, life would be easier without humanity. Annabeth grabs my arm and drags me into the stadium. I really need to get better and spacing out but keeping one ear into the conversation.

“Hey! I said do you want food?!” Maccyn shouts at me.

“Yeah, grab me Snickers.”

“Finally you answer me! I only asked you like ten times! What is the matter with you?”
            “Nothing, I was….just enjoying the band.”

Maccyn and Annabell laugh at me. They have to know something was wrong but they don't want to ask for fear of losing their night with free alcohol. That is what I am worried about: ruining their night.

As the game comes to an end with us bears winning 51-7 we all join arms to sing our school song. Luckily I am in between Maccyn and Annabeth so no one can tell Jacoby that I linked arms with any other guy. We skip our way to Annabeth’s truck singing “Heeeeyyyyyy hey baby. I wannaaa knowww, I you will be my girl bum bumpbump bum.” I throw off my flip flops and pull out my tall black Naughty Monkey's with just the right amount of sparkle and a slight heel.

“Let’s stop and get gas and some Dew. They should have plenty of alcohol out there” Annabell says.

While looking at my phone I respond “Or maybe we could go to Jerrick’s party..?”

“Why? Did he text you?” Maccyn says.

“No, but I’m sure he is having a party he always does on Friday nights.”

“Okay, really why do you not want to go to Jacoby’s?” says. Annabeth

“Because we all know how it’s going to end up.”

“No we all don’t so please share”

“It’s going to end up with me seeing him with another girl and leaving the party, leaving me to have to walk home.”

“I promise if he is there with some other girl I will bring you home before I start drinking. But, I am positive that he is not with someone else. I am positive that he will see you looking fab and you two will get back together” Looking at me with a sly grin

“Is that really what needs to happen?”

“Why, shouldn’t it? Everyone knows how cute you two look together!” Maccyn says.

“Cute does not make up for everything else…”

“Everything else?”  Maccyn says. looking quite confused.

“Nothing….nothing else…” I just can’t admit that I am stupid enough to stay around after he has cheated on my more times than I can count. But that is on a need to know basis, and they don’t need to know.

“Alright? But if there is something else you know we are here for you” Annabeth says.

So, that is that and we head out to Jacoby’s party.

After a short half an hour in the car we arrive at Jacoby’s house to find the driveway and the street lined with cars, bumper to bumper. Yeah, this is totally not obvious. All these cars are totally not going to attract any attention whatsoever. I grab my purse just in case. Slowly I get out of Annabell’s truck and make my way into Jacoby’s house. I am terrified of what I know is to come. As I walk into the house the smell of dog piss catches me off guard. It has only been two months, but that smell will never get old…or less disgusting.

“Hey ladies!” says Declan.

“Hey!” we reply.

“Long time no see” says Claire.

“You guys look cute tonight!” Alice says as the four of us snap a quick selfie.

The farther into the house we make it the more of his friends I see, but I don't see him.

“Hey Aiden!” I say losing track of where Maccyn and Annabeth go.

“Hey Edaline! Didn’t expect to see you here? You guys together?”

Smiling, “No, just decided to come crash it” Aiden and Jacoby never really got along. Aiden has had a crush on me since before pre-k but Jacoby was always the one to steal my heart, but maybe not this time. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know free beer” Holding up his drink

Laughing,  “Yeah, I better go find myself some of that”

“I’ll join you.”

“Okay.” I know he is following me just in case I run into Jacoby. He is always the guy to save me from the drama. The one that is always there for me when all comes crashing in. In all honesty he is he only one there when everything does fall apart, the one that fixes the tears, and makes me feel partially whole again. He is the one is should have been with all along.

Aiden and I make our way into the kitchen to find all sorts of alcohol. Jacoby’s mom always purchases tons of it for these parties. I grab a Mike’s and we head outside.

“It’s so nice out tonight” I say leaning against the edge of the deck.

“I love coming out here it is always so clear” he says looking up at the sky.

“Yeah, that is one thing I miss, being able to just lay and stare at the sky” As I began to look at the sky my eyes meet his, and he proceedes to make his way to us. Great, now here comes the moment where I get yelled at for showing up to this party uninvited and for not answering his slew of texts from the past weeks. I look frantically around for Maccyn and Annabeth or some kind of escape route. I take a couple steps down the stairs heading towards another crowd. Then I hear it. I hear his sweet voice saying my name and in that very instant my knight in shining armor  vanishes like a ghost.

“Edaline?” Jacoby says.

Turning around I reply “Yeah?”

“I didn’t expect to see you here” He comes bounding toward me like a cat to his prey.

“Me either. Annabeth and Maccyn wanted to come. I just tagged along.” I say checking my phone and taking the slightest step backwards.

“Well good. Then we can talk. Since you won’t answer my texts” Jacoby moves aggressively closer to me.

I won’t answer your texts for a reason. I am over you. Done. I think while taking a step backwards. “I didn’t know you texted me,” looking at my phone, “I guess my phone didn’t receive them.”

“Oh.” He looks at his phone, “well, before you leave can we talk?”

“Yeah, of course.” Oh god this is not going to end the way I planned but it is going the way I hoped...I think.

“Good,” he says smiling, grabbing my hand forcefully, he really doesn't give me a choice. Kind of like a lion will not let go of his dinner for the night I have to go with him. “Well let’s go enjoy this party!”

I go with him not knowing what to think or how to feel. I should be done with our yo-yo dating and his…comments about me..his actions when things don’t go his way. It is not fun for me. But, a part of me does not want to be done with it. A part of me doesn't want to be done with him. A part of me wants to hope that this time he has “changed”.

The rest of the night is a blast, more fun than I can remember any of his parties being. We all stand around the beer pong table taking turns playing. Jacoby and I were kicked out of playing, because we always win, and we enjoy winning, together.Turning to each other with the biggest smiles on our faces, Annabeth and Maccyn aproach with an eaqually as big smile.

"We should begoin," says Annabeth"

Leaning over close enough so I can smell the stench of alcohol and fresh cigarette smoke, "You should stay we've hadn't talk yet"

I know I shouldn't stay, but a part of me wants to tell him all of my discomforts of getting back together. Though I know I won't stand up to him. This is why I shouldn't stay. I need to find a backbone before I stay here again with him. "Gals I think I will stay here. Jacoby wants to talk, and I am just far to drunk to face my mom."

The smiles return to their faces. I am still sipping on my first Mike's, but neither of them will argue with me. They want me back with Jacoby. They want the chance to party every weekend and get free beer every weekend. And me and Jacoby getting back together is that ticket."Okay. Call me tomorrow?" says Annabeth, and before she turns away she offers me a wink. I offer her a weak smile in return, because she doesn't even know how much I wish she would tell me I can stay at her house. She has no idea that I shouldn't be here.

  I turn around to and meet eyes with Aiden who has overheard everything, he even knows how big of a lie I have just told, and I wish he would save me from this lie. But he doesn't, instead he shakes his head and walks out of the door. My only knight in shining armor has left the enemies' kingdom, and doesn't even try to win his prize.

***

When I walk through the door later the next morning, I see my mom lying on the couch as a rush of guilt washes over me I realize I forgot to tell her that I was not coming home. She wakes up the minute I close the door, inviting the smell of detergent and Clorox. Mom is laying on the leather couch that wraps around the whole living room making it easier for me to disappear from the walk of shame.  

“So, where did you end up staying last night?”

“Jacoby’s”

A look like she has just ate a lemon washes over her face “So, you guys are back together again?”

“No, I just went with Maccyn and Annabeth to his party,” looking at the TV,
“they had drank quite a bit so we all decided to stay there.”

“How hung over are you?”

“Not at all, I didn’t drink” that is the worst lie I have ever told her, well maybe not as bad as telling her that I am still a virgin. But she knows deep down that both of these are untrue.

“Well, I hope that you don’t get back together with that trouble maker. He is not good for you. You need to go to college and do something with your life. He is…”

 “...yes mom I know. I am going back to my room to do some homework.”

When I get to my room I remove all the items from my purse that I realize I didn’t need last night, though I wish I had needed them. Unfortunately something else happened. Burying my face in my pillow I lie there and cry. I should really figure out what I want in life. My mom is right I need to let this trouble maker go and do something with my life. I really wish I knew how to listen to my own heart…

***

Over the next few weeks I hear nothing from Jacoby and as homecoming is rolling around I am asked by Aiden. I accept the invite. My mom was more than excited that I was going with him and not ‘the boy that no longer needed a name in our household’.

Why don’t you call into work tonight. Let’s take off and go to Seattle and find you a dress for homecoming. My mom texts me.

I have never been a fan of texting so I call her to decide whether it was truly a good idea for me to really take off of work to find a dress.

“Hello.” Mom answers.

“Hey! Do you really think I should call in?”

“Well, you work all weekend and then the following weekend is homecoming. If you want to not see yourself walking by we should probably go to Seattle tonight.”

“What should I tell Savita?”

“Tell her your Grandfather is not doing well again, and your parents are going to Seattle to see him and you want to go with. You will be out of town no one will know the truth.”

“Okay. I’ll see you at home in an hour?”

“Yes. Love you hunny.”
               A long two hours later we arrived in Seattle and proceeded to our favorite mall, Westlake Center. We found ourselves in Younkers looking at a beautiful silver pleaded fitted dress. It fit me perfectly, in all the right places.    

“You look gorgeous.” Mom says with tears in her eyes.

I turn around to see myself in this dress, and for the first time I believe her. Maybe it's because I know I am going to have the night of my life with Aiden, or maybe it's because I finally feel free of Jacoby's spell. Either way I finally see what everyone else does when they say I am beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, and pretty. I see a beautiful brown haired girl, with striking blue eyes, who is going to blow Aiden away.  And I cannot wait.

***

As the day of homecoming approaches I start not feeling like myself. I am feeling very sick early in the morning and start eating a ton of food. I blame it on all the stress I think I am enduring but in the back of my mind my worst fear is haunting me. I decide to go to lunch with Annabeth the day before to finalize plans for homecoming night.

“I think we need to get a test” she says, “and you should have told me sooner. I thought you were mad at me whenever you said you were “busy” and couldn’t go drink with us.”

“I am sorry. I was not sure what to think or who to talk to. But what if I am just dramatizing? My mind is playing tricks on me, it does that a lot.”

“You are late, we are getting a test tomorrow night after the dance”

“Better be after Aiden drops me off at your house. We will change and everything there. Mom wants pictures at the park and she will cook dinner.”

“Of course, just tell him you are staying with me. I’ll take you home afterwards”

***

The day has finally arrived. Homecoming is here. That morning I go to get my hair and makeup done. Then take my dress over to Annabeth’s where I will get ready.

“Can you zip me please?”

“Yeah...was this zipper always this tight?!” she said

“....No...”

That uneasy feeling fills my gut and I push it back down calling myself crazy... I brush all feelings to the side and go on to have the best night of my life; knowing it would probably be the last. As Aiden drops me back off at Annabeth’s we say our goodnights and I go inside to figure out what was really going on with me.

“I have a test,” she says “now go take it.”

I dilly dally around a bit, not wanting to know the results, but at the same time I do. A few minutes later I emerg. With tears in my eyes I look at Annabeth and exclaim “It’s positive!” She gives me the biggest hug squeezing me until I felt like I am going to hurl and tells me everything is going to be okay, but I really can't see how. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am now 17 and pregnant.

After I get through the initial shock I decide to call Jacoby, whom I haven’t heard from since the night of the party. I really want nothing to do with him anymore but I guess he has the right to know. I have decided in my mind that we are toxic, but now I guess I have to deal with him….

“Hi, uh Jacoby?”

“Can I help you”

I pause, trying to get ahold of my breathing so I don’t sound like a child crying on the phone, but it doesn’t work and breaking down in tears I cry “I’m pregnant”

Without missing a beat,“So, what are the chances it’s mine?”

“Considering you the only person I have ever been with. It’s yours.” I cry. How can he say something like this to me?!...but really it is not that big of a surprise.

And then just like that he hangs up. Hangs up the phone. I slowly pull my phone away from my ear. As the tears well up in my eyes I just sat there, staring at it.

“Edaline? Hey, hun?” she magically appeared beside me with her arms around my shoulders.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Seriously what kind of question is this? Are you okay? Well, of course I am not okay. I am pregnant my ass hole exboyfriend does not care about me and now I am just a disappointment to my family. My family. How am I going to tell my mom?! Oh. God. I hold my tongue this time. Which honestly is not hard, I do the only thing I can in this moment, because words just are not working for me. I lay into Annabeth’s shoulders and I cry, huge tears, I sob.

 As I walk into the house I can barely look my mother in the eyes. I go straight back into my room and begin posting the pictures from the night. The last high school dance I will ever attend. Because I am pregnant.

 How could I have let this happen? He was drunk that night not me. I should have been more responsible. Why? Why? Why? I can’t tell my mom. I can’t hurt her like this. I know I will be doing it alone. Jacoby will never grow up. I should have been done with him years ago. And how could he hang up on me like that? He doesn’t care about me. He never did. Picking up my phone, I delete his number from my phone.