Year, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved I. Pregnancy

It all began my senior year. I suppose I was going down a destructive path far before then, but this time God just gave up on me. Or maybe he just handed me the road to success; I can’t really say. All I know is my senior year of high school was a dreadful mistake...

            “Hey Edaline!” Maccyn shouts.

            “Hey! Whose Cubcat time are you in?”

            “Mr. Fineburg’s,” she says making a very prominent frowning face.

            “Oh my god! Me too!”

            “Yay! Did Jerrick take you home last night? I left pretty early,” she says.

            “Yeah, then we had a fight. He was all drunk and stuff. I don’t think it’ll last much longer. Did you hear from Jacoby?”

            “No, but I bet I will. His birthday party is in a couple weeks. Should we crash it?” I say with a sly smile on my face. Jacoby is my on and off boyfriend for the last five years, and he is turning 20 in a couple of weeks. Though we are not technically together at this moment I still want to show up at that party. I want us to be known as high school sweethearts who get married and have like four kids. I don’t want this yo-yo dating to continue.

            Maybe, because I am a senior it will help everything. Everything is always hard in high school, right? Everyone is going through changes, trying to find out who they are. Well I have always known who I am, but Jacoby, well that’s a different story. He always treats me like a child even though there is only a two year difference; I am 17 and he is 20. That shouldn’t matter though, they say men mature slower than women. Maybe this weekend I can prove I am not a child. Maybe I can prove to him that I am the wonderful young lady that he needs to fall in love with, because well I don’t want to have wasted these last five years to throw it all away. 

***

            The first week of school went by in a flash considering we only had two days. As the weekend approached the talk of going to Jacoby’s party, a party that could ruin my life.

            Standing by our vehicles (we always park together at school then at least we know who dings our vehicles) in Tahoma High School’s parking lot, I am spacing off staring at the wonderful white topped mountains in the background. That I would much rather focus on than this conversation. This week is our first football games, and according to Annabeth and Maccyn it was our “senior duty” to show up at the first football game. I would rather curl up with Mockingjay, and be taken into another world, but for now I suppose I must listen to what the theme for the football game is…

            “I really would like to go to the first game. What is the theme? Togas?” says Annabeth.

            “Yeah I think it is, let’s go to the game then out to Malster’s pre 20th party.” says Maccyn.

            “Why? So, we can all get drunk and then once again I get back together with him?” I say.

            “No. So, he can see how awesome you are doing without him. Besides I doubt you will even see him. It’ll be packed.” says Annabeth.

            Jacoby and I did not need to get back together again it was time for us to part ways. And we both know that us seeing each other will lead to this. I have had enough of him. “Fine. Meet at my house at 6 to get ready?”

            “Sounds good!” both the girls say in unison.

            Sighing I look down at my phone which has not stopped going off for even two minutes all day hope I see u tis weekend. I shiver with a thought of what is to come. I don’t want to become his child again. I already have parents I don’t need another…but, maybe Annabeth and Maccyn are right, maybe him seeing me looking super sexy will make him realize how much he misses me and then maybe he will change. For once.

***

Upon Annabeth’s arrival at my house, Maccyn is styling my long brown hair up into a twisted pony. “Do you guys really think I look okay?” I ask.

“Of course you do! Now after the game we can just take off the sheets and head out to Jacoby’s” says Annabeth, flipping her hair back to create volume.

Looking fabulous in my black skinny jeans that fit every curve of my legs perfectly, my shirt is a very loose bright pink v neck that plunged to my belly button, under that I have a black sparkle tank top. I look perfect. For once.

“I really want to make his jaw drop when I walk in.”

“Are you almost ready!?” Maccyn says while looking at her phone.

“Yeah, let me just pack my purse”

“Don’t forget your fake ID!” they say in unison.

I always do seem to forget that. I find  my hot pink crossbody purse, that’s as big as a tote bag and begin to fill it with my foundation, powder, lip gloss, mascara (both regular and waterproof), and eye liner, just in case my night took a turn for the worse then at least I can cover the bruises... I also decide to sneak some tissues, a flashlight and an extra shirt in the bottom of my bag just in case. I then throw in $20 and left my card in my change mug that way when that money is gone it’s gone. Maccyn coughs. “I’m almost ready!”  I throw in my cell phone, Ipod, a change of shoes, my flask, driver’s license, my fake ID for buying alcohol, and my car keys even though I am not driving. I zip it up quickly and run out of my room not realizing that Maccyn and Annabeth are already in my kitchen waiting on me.

“Okay, I’m ready. Bye Mom! I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home” I shout.

“Thanks hun” she replies, not even turning around from the kitchen sink to acknowledge that I’m leaving.

As we jump into Annabell’s truck I grab the USB cord for the stereo and crank up the music to LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It”.

When we arrived at the stadium, I look around just to realize that the whole town seems to be here..but that doesn’t take much. I checked for his vehicle, which was stupid he wouldn’t come to some high school football game even if I got down on my knees and begged. He is too good for that. But again, my mind goes to the glorious white tip mountains. Someday I wish I can disappear into those mountains forever, life would be easier without humanity. Annabeth grabs my arm and drags me into the stadium. I really need to get better and spacing out but keeping one ear into the conversation.

“Hey! I said do you want food?!” Maccyn shouts at me.

“Yeah, grab me Snickers.”

“Finally you answer me! I only asked you like ten times! What is the matter with you?”
            “Nothing, I was….just enjoying the band.”

Maccyn and Annabell laugh at me. They have to know something was wrong but they don't want to ask for fear of losing their night with free alcohol. That is what I am worried about: ruining their night.

As the game comes to an end with us bears winning 51-7 we all join arms to sing our school song. Luckily I am in between Maccyn and Annabeth so no one can tell Jacoby that I linked arms with any other guy. We skip our way to Annabeth’s truck singing “Heeeeyyyyyy hey baby. I wannaaa knowww, I you will be my girl bum bumpbump bum.” I throw off my flip flops and pull out my tall black Naughty Monkey's with just the right amount of sparkle and a slight heel.

“Let’s stop and get gas and some Dew. They should have plenty of alcohol out there” Annabell says.

While looking at my phone I respond “Or maybe we could go to Jerrick’s party..?”

“Why? Did he text you?” Maccyn says.

“No, but I’m sure he is having a party he always does on Friday nights.”

“Okay, really why do you not want to go to Jacoby’s?” says. Annabeth

“Because we all know how it’s going to end up.”

“No we all don’t so please share”

“It’s going to end up with me seeing him with another girl and leaving the party, leaving me to have to walk home.”

“I promise if he is there with some other girl I will bring you home before I start drinking. But, I am positive that he is not with someone else. I am positive that he will see you looking fab and you two will get back together” Looking at me with a sly grin

“Is that really what needs to happen?”

“Why, shouldn’t it? Everyone knows how cute you two look together!” Maccyn says.

“Cute does not make up for everything else…”

“Everything else?”  Maccyn says. looking quite confused.

“Nothing….nothing else…” I just can’t admit that I am stupid enough to stay around after he has cheated on my more times than I can count. But that is on a need to know basis, and they don’t need to know.

“Alright? But if there is something else you know we are here for you” Annabeth says.

So, that is that and we head out to Jacoby’s party.

After a short half an hour in the car we arrive at Jacoby’s house to find the driveway and the street lined with cars, bumper to bumper. Yeah, this is totally not obvious. All these cars are totally not going to attract any attention whatsoever. I grab my purse just in case. Slowly I get out of Annabell’s truck and make my way into Jacoby’s house. I am terrified of what I know is to come. As I walk into the house the smell of dog piss catches me off guard. It has only been two months, but that smell will never get old…or less disgusting.

“Hey ladies!” says Declan.

“Hey!” we reply.

“Long time no see” says Claire.

“You guys look cute tonight!” Alice says as the four of us snap a quick selfie.

The farther into the house we make it the more of his friends I see, but I don't see him.

“Hey Aiden!” I say losing track of where Maccyn and Annabeth go.

“Hey Edaline! Didn’t expect to see you here? You guys together?”

Smiling, “No, just decided to come crash it” Aiden and Jacoby never really got along. Aiden has had a crush on me since before pre-k but Jacoby was always the one to steal my heart, but maybe not this time. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know free beer” Holding up his drink

Laughing,  “Yeah, I better go find myself some of that”

“I’ll join you.”

“Okay.” I know he is following me just in case I run into Jacoby. He is always the guy to save me from the drama. The one that is always there for me when all comes crashing in. In all honesty he is he only one there when everything does fall apart, the one that fixes the tears, and makes me feel partially whole again. He is the one is should have been with all along.

Aiden and I make our way into the kitchen to find all sorts of alcohol. Jacoby’s mom always purchases tons of it for these parties. I grab a Mike’s and we head outside.

“It’s so nice out tonight” I say leaning against the edge of the deck.

“I love coming out here it is always so clear” he says looking up at the sky.

“Yeah, that is one thing I miss, being able to just lay and stare at the sky” As I began to look at the sky my eyes meet his, and he proceedes to make his way to us. Great, now here comes the moment where I get yelled at for showing up to this party uninvited and for not answering his slew of texts from the past weeks. I look frantically around for Maccyn and Annabeth or some kind of escape route. I take a couple steps down the stairs heading towards another crowd. Then I hear it. I hear his sweet voice saying my name and in that very instant my knight in shining armor  vanishes like a ghost.

“Edaline?” Jacoby says.

Turning around I reply “Yeah?”

“I didn’t expect to see you here” He comes bounding toward me like a cat to his prey.

“Me either. Annabeth and Maccyn wanted to come. I just tagged along.” I say checking my phone and taking the slightest step backwards.

“Well good. Then we can talk. Since you won’t answer my texts” Jacoby moves aggressively closer to me.

I won’t answer your texts for a reason. I am over you. Done. I think while taking a step backwards. “I didn’t know you texted me,” looking at my phone, “I guess my phone didn’t receive them.”

“Oh.” He looks at his phone, “well, before you leave can we talk?”

“Yeah, of course.” Oh god this is not going to end the way I planned but it is going the way I hoped...I think.

“Good,” he says smiling, grabbing my hand forcefully, he really doesn't give me a choice. Kind of like a lion will not let go of his dinner for the night I have to go with him. “Well let’s go enjoy this party!”

I go with him not knowing what to think or how to feel. I should be done with our yo-yo dating and his…comments about me..his actions when things don’t go his way. It is not fun for me. But, a part of me does not want to be done with it. A part of me doesn't want to be done with him. A part of me wants to hope that this time he has “changed”.

The rest of the night is a blast, more fun than I can remember any of his parties being. We all stand around the beer pong table taking turns playing. Jacoby and I were kicked out of playing, because we always win, and we enjoy winning, together.Turning to each other with the biggest smiles on our faces, Annabeth and Maccyn aproach with an eaqually as big smile.

"We should begoin," says Annabeth"

Leaning over close enough so I can smell the stench of alcohol and fresh cigarette smoke, "You should stay we've hadn't talk yet"

I know I shouldn't stay, but a part of me wants to tell him all of my discomforts of getting back together. Though I know I won't stand up to him. This is why I shouldn't stay. I need to find a backbone before I stay here again with him. "Gals I think I will stay here. Jacoby wants to talk, and I am just far to drunk to face my mom."

The smiles return to their faces. I am still sipping on my first Mike's, but neither of them will argue with me. They want me back with Jacoby. They want the chance to party every weekend and get free beer every weekend. And me and Jacoby getting back together is that ticket."Okay. Call me tomorrow?" says Annabeth, and before she turns away she offers me a wink. I offer her a weak smile in return, because she doesn't even know how much I wish she would tell me I can stay at her house. She has no idea that I shouldn't be here.

  I turn around to and meet eyes with Aiden who has overheard everything, he even knows how big of a lie I have just told, and I wish he would save me from this lie. But he doesn't, instead he shakes his head and walks out of the door. My only knight in shining armor has left the enemies' kingdom, and doesn't even try to win his prize.

***

When I walk through the door later the next morning, I see my mom lying on the couch as a rush of guilt washes over me I realize I forgot to tell her that I was not coming home. She wakes up the minute I close the door, inviting the smell of detergent and Clorox. Mom is laying on the leather couch that wraps around the whole living room making it easier for me to disappear from the walk of shame.  

“So, where did you end up staying last night?”

“Jacoby’s”

A look like she has just ate a lemon washes over her face “So, you guys are back together again?”

“No, I just went with Maccyn and Annabeth to his party,” looking at the TV,
“they had drank quite a bit so we all decided to stay there.”

“How hung over are you?”

“Not at all, I didn’t drink” that is the worst lie I have ever told her, well maybe not as bad as telling her that I am still a virgin. But she knows deep down that both of these are untrue.

“Well, I hope that you don’t get back together with that trouble maker. He is not good for you. You need to go to college and do something with your life. He is…”

 “...yes mom I know. I am going back to my room to do some homework.”

When I get to my room I remove all the items from my purse that I realize I didn’t need last night, though I wish I had needed them. Unfortunately something else happened. Burying my face in my pillow I lie there and cry. I should really figure out what I want in life. My mom is right I need to let this trouble maker go and do something with my life. I really wish I knew how to listen to my own heart…

***

Over the next few weeks I hear nothing from Jacoby and as homecoming is rolling around I am asked by Aiden. I accept the invite. My mom was more than excited that I was going with him and not ‘the boy that no longer needed a name in our household’.

Why don’t you call into work tonight. Let’s take off and go to Seattle and find you a dress for homecoming. My mom texts me.

I have never been a fan of texting so I call her to decide whether it was truly a good idea for me to really take off of work to find a dress.

“Hello.” Mom answers.

“Hey! Do you really think I should call in?”

“Well, you work all weekend and then the following weekend is homecoming. If you want to not see yourself walking by we should probably go to Seattle tonight.”

“What should I tell Savita?”

“Tell her your Grandfather is not doing well again, and your parents are going to Seattle to see him and you want to go with. You will be out of town no one will know the truth.”

“Okay. I’ll see you at home in an hour?”

“Yes. Love you hunny.”
               A long two hours later we arrived in Seattle and proceeded to our favorite mall, Westlake Center. We found ourselves in Younkers looking at a beautiful silver pleaded fitted dress. It fit me perfectly, in all the right places.    

“You look gorgeous.” Mom says with tears in her eyes.

I turn around to see myself in this dress, and for the first time I believe her. Maybe it's because I know I am going to have the night of my life with Aiden, or maybe it's because I finally feel free of Jacoby's spell. Either way I finally see what everyone else does when they say I am beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, and pretty. I see a beautiful brown haired girl, with striking blue eyes, who is going to blow Aiden away.  And I cannot wait.

***

As the day of homecoming approaches I start not feeling like myself. I am feeling very sick early in the morning and start eating a ton of food. I blame it on all the stress I think I am enduring but in the back of my mind my worst fear is haunting me. I decide to go to lunch with Annabeth the day before to finalize plans for homecoming night.

“I think we need to get a test” she says, “and you should have told me sooner. I thought you were mad at me whenever you said you were “busy” and couldn’t go drink with us.”

“I am sorry. I was not sure what to think or who to talk to. But what if I am just dramatizing? My mind is playing tricks on me, it does that a lot.”

“You are late, we are getting a test tomorrow night after the dance”

“Better be after Aiden drops me off at your house. We will change and everything there. Mom wants pictures at the park and she will cook dinner.”

“Of course, just tell him you are staying with me. I’ll take you home afterwards”

***

The day has finally arrived. Homecoming is here. That morning I go to get my hair and makeup done. Then take my dress over to Annabeth’s where I will get ready.

“Can you zip me please?”

“Yeah...was this zipper always this tight?!” she said

“....No...”

That uneasy feeling fills my gut and I push it back down calling myself crazy... I brush all feelings to the side and go on to have the best night of my life; knowing it would probably be the last. As Aiden drops me back off at Annabeth’s we say our goodnights and I go inside to figure out what was really going on with me.

“I have a test,” she says “now go take it.”

I dilly dally around a bit, not wanting to know the results, but at the same time I do. A few minutes later I emerg. With tears in my eyes I look at Annabeth and exclaim “It’s positive!” She gives me the biggest hug squeezing me until I felt like I am going to hurl and tells me everything is going to be okay, but I really can't see how. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am now 17 and pregnant.

After I get through the initial shock I decide to call Jacoby, whom I haven’t heard from since the night of the party. I really want nothing to do with him anymore but I guess he has the right to know. I have decided in my mind that we are toxic, but now I guess I have to deal with him….

“Hi, uh Jacoby?”

“Can I help you”

I pause, trying to get ahold of my breathing so I don’t sound like a child crying on the phone, but it doesn’t work and breaking down in tears I cry “I’m pregnant”

Without missing a beat,“So, what are the chances it’s mine?”

“Considering you the only person I have ever been with. It’s yours.” I cry. How can he say something like this to me?!...but really it is not that big of a surprise.

And then just like that he hangs up. Hangs up the phone. I slowly pull my phone away from my ear. As the tears well up in my eyes I just sat there, staring at it.

“Edaline? Hey, hun?” she magically appeared beside me with her arms around my shoulders.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Seriously what kind of question is this? Are you okay? Well, of course I am not okay. I am pregnant my ass hole exboyfriend does not care about me and now I am just a disappointment to my family. My family. How am I going to tell my mom?! Oh. God. I hold my tongue this time. Which honestly is not hard, I do the only thing I can in this moment, because words just are not working for me. I lay into Annabeth’s shoulders and I cry, huge tears, I sob.

 As I walk into the house I can barely look my mother in the eyes. I go straight back into my room and begin posting the pictures from the night. The last high school dance I will ever attend. Because I am pregnant.

 How could I have let this happen? He was drunk that night not me. I should have been more responsible. Why? Why? Why? I can’t tell my mom. I can’t hurt her like this. I know I will be doing it alone. Jacoby will never grow up. I should have been done with him years ago. And how could he hang up on me like that? He doesn’t care about me. He never did. Picking up my phone, I delete his number from my phone.               

Dating and single parenthood

It is no secret that dating as a single mother is hard. Especially when she has her child 24/7. Tomorrow marks a month. It has now been a month since Eugene and I broke up. Not only does it mark a month, it marks a year and a half that we would have been together. This date is bittersweet. The break up had to happen, neither one of us were happy in the relationship, but I think the hardest part of all of this is not how I am taking it. It is how my son is. 

When a man comes into a life of a single mother and stays for a large amount of time. When he becomes invested in the family structure and the routine of everyday life. That man takes in the role of daddy. It is a fact of life. If he is not comfortable with that role he shouldn't become involved and invested. Because when that relationship falls apart it is worse for the child. I don't know how many times I have been asked "when is daddy coming home?" How do I answer this? I have just been saying that "he's on a trip" I can't find it within myself to bash someone that simply 'changed his mind.' Am I wrong for this?  

Don't get me wrong. I am angry, very angry. That he can walk away with no repercussions. No feelings. No feeling of loss. He just walks away, sorry for nothing. He walks away empty handed while I am left once again to pick up the pieces. Is this what being a single mom is all about? Constantly picking up the pieces? I want to say no, but at this point letting someone else into my son's life seems far fetched without a wedding date made..I can't break his heart like that again.  It is not fair for a two year old.  

But what makes me every more upset is he was in the life of this little boy for a year and five months. He held him when he was sick, watched him strive, and grow. He allowed him to call him Daddy. How can he just walk away? I think my little boy is incredible, maybe I'm biased. Maybe I am the shallow one thinking that this isn't hurting him at all. Maybe he does look at the pictures of my wonderful son and cry. But if he does, why doesn't he do anything about it? This is what leads me to think he doesn't care. 

So a tip for all guys out there that are thinking about dating a single mother, or are getting to the point where you are meeting her child(ren): Dont. Unless you are 250% positive that you are ready to become a father or take on a family role. If you have any questions about anything DO NOT get involved. Share your concerns with her, she will understand. But don't make the children suffer because you are not sure if you are ready to settle down. 

Women are not toys to be played with. This goes for single mom or the party girl you met last night. We have feelings. We think into things, and overreact. We are filled with drama, and cry for no reason. But we can love and care about you more than you ever thought possible. As for the single mom population. We know rejection. We know how to work hard, and we know how to love hard. Do not take advantage of that. We can be the best thing that ever happened to you, or your worst night mare. 

Each and every single mother out there is fiercer than a mother bear when it comes to her children. Don't put the children in the middle of your insecurities. :)

Less is More.

When looking at the best-selling series of Divergent, readers are enthralled with the well-developed characters, plot, and setting. But the root of the story is the simplicity of the words on the page and how she molds and shapes them into something new, something exciting, and portrays the largest of ideas with the fewest words. This series is targeted at ages fourteen years and up, so it is placed in the Young Adult Literature category. But the interesting thing about this is even though it is targeted at eighth graders there are concepts and ideas that an adult would understand and thrive on. Even though this is considered adolescent literature, the writing in the novel is spectacular and Veronica Roth’s use of words is something to admire.

Many critics compare Divergent and The Hunger Games, even as far as saying that “for a book that explores themes about the right to be individual and the importance of breaking away from the pack, ‘Divergent’ does not exactly distinguish itself” (Dominus). But I have to disagree, though Divergent follows some of the same themes as Hunger Games did like girls breaking out of their societies norms, Roth does something more. Roth leaves the reader to interpret and make his/her own story. She uses phrases with very little words to portray a larger idea. In the second book in the series Insurgent, Roth leaves her main character Tris reflecting on her own feelings, motives, and actions, leaving the reader to stop and analyze how Tris is truly feelings, “I am almost afraid of him. I don’t know what to say or do around the erratic part of him, and it is here, bubbling just beneath the surface of what he does, just like the cruel part of me. We both have war inside of us. Sometimes it keeps us alive. Sometimes it threatens to destroy us” (242). This passage speaks to me. Roth uses simplicity to portray the larger image of the story: fear. There is even an element of the unknown shown throughout the series, the unknown of each other, and the unknown of the future. But never once is this said, instead it is shown.

Another critic for the New York Times states, “the book’s characters and themes are blunt, coarse things, with almost no nuance. What is compelling in Katniss, for example—her ambivalence about power, violence and romantic love—is entirely absent in Tris, who lives in a world of moral certainties. The regime’s overthrow is the only right thing to do, worthy of any kind of sacrifice; her companion, Four, is the man for her from the start of the books to the finish. In other words the thing is flat, flat, flat” (New York Times). Again I disagree, and loudly, I have read both series, if anything is flat it would have to be Katniss. Katniss fails to show any emotion throughout the series, whereas Tris has long excerpts like the one above where she reflects on the situations at hand. I could go on and on about the differences of both series, but that is meant for another paper.

In one of my other classes, I choose to look at the etymologies of the words that Roth uses in a 170 excerpt. I used the last two pages of Divergent, and found that most of Roth’s words stem from Old English. This is interesting because these are the simpler words, those that are not specific to any trade such as: a, and, everything, become, brother, behind, the list goes on and on. These are the words that adolescents use on a daily basis, those that come up in daily conversations amongst their peers Of the 170 words I looked at 106 of those were from Old English. The type of the words fairly matters, though it is interesting to look at, what does matter is how Roth shapes these words into ideas and even larger into a story.

The passage I used discuss the ambiguity that awaits them. The passage reads as such:

I kiss him as the train slides into unlit, uncertain land. I kiss him for as long as I want, for longer than I should, given that my brother sits three feet away from me.

I reach into my pocket and take out the hard drive that contains the simulation data. I turn it in my hands, letting it catch the fading light and reflect it. Marcus’s eyes cling greedily to the movement. Not safe. I think. Not quite.

            I clutch the hard drive to my chest, lean my head on Tobia’s shoulder, and try to sleep.

Abnegation and Dauntless are both broken, their members scattered. We are like the factionless now. I do not know what life will be like, separated from a faction—it feels disengaged, like a leaf divided from the tree that gives it sustenance. We are creatures of loss; we have left everything behind.  I have no home, no path, and no certainty. I am no longer Tris, the selfless, or Tris, the brave.

            I suppose that now, I must become more than either.

This passage is just as striking as the one in Insurgent because a sixteen year old should be scared of what is to come right after losing her parents in an all-out war and now they are being hunted. But what she doesn’t say is that she is scared. Instead she talks of what is lost, what is disengaged, that she has nothing anymore. She even questions who she is. This is far from a flat character.

            Critics need to reread both series back to back. The Hunger Games lacks plot, and is very repetitive, as a reader one has an idea of what is to come. In Divergent it is the complete opposite, the ending of the series takes everyone by surprise. Veronica Roth does a lot with very few words, she conveys ideas using the words that her audience uses in everyday conversation. Though she parallels the themes that are being seen throughout adolescent literature today, she does it in a captivating way that makes the reader young or old to question the book itself, and his or her self.

Works Cited

DOMINUS, SUSAN. "In This Dystopia, Teens Must Choose Wisely." New York Times. The New York Times, 12 May 2011. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.

Dean, Michelle. "Our Young-Adult Dystopia." The New York Times. The New York Times, 31 Jan. 2014. Web. 22 Nov. 2014. <http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/magazine/our-young-adult-dystopia.html>.

Roth, Veronica. Divergent. New York: HarperCollins, 2011. Print.

Roth, Veronica. Insurgent. New York: HarperCollins, 2012. Print.

Movies vs Novels and The Fault in Our Stars

There are three kind of people in this world; those who enjoy a good written novel, those who enjoy a good movie, and those who read the novel and go to the movie just to criticize it. I am of the third category. This summer my goal is to read each and every novel that is being made into a movie and provide my readers with a break down of the pros and the cons of this movie. A few weeks ago I read and saw A Fault in Our Stars, and while my critics of this movie did not end at what a horrible actress Shailene Woodley is I figured out a big part of humanity. Bear with me as I work through this realization.

The Fault in Our Stars took me exactly one day to read. It was a tear jerker and something that I would never pick up again. As I feel in love with Gus, Hazel was not the most developed. She fell flat for me (yes I am talking about the book). Though she appeared to really love Gus, her actions and thoughts didn't appear so. It felt more like "I must do this before I die" kind of thing. But Gus, though we never got his thoughts seemed genuine in his love for her. I actually felt bad for him throughout the whole novel because he seemed to be dating someone so flat, someone so boring. I found myself more worried about who would die at the end of the novel than I did enjoying the journey. Though this book had a mediocre main character the lesson or point of the story was outstanding.

The novel itself focused on being able to live (and love) your and someone else's disability. Yes I know most people would think of a disability as being down syndrome or some type of learning disability, but if you think down and really ponder it. Hazel was living with a disability. Gus was living with a disability. Disability is defined as a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses, or activities. Cancer limited every one of Hazel's activities. She could no longer be a child as she was dealing with adult problems. The point of this novel is to bring awareness to disabilities and how to efficiently live with them regardless of the circumstances. It was to bring awareness to everyone else in society how lonely living with cancer is. This book may be like the Imperial Affliction is to Hazel to some people suffering with cancer, but the ultimate audience is all of us in society who shy away with someone who has an oxygen tank, or shaved head, or doesn't look like we do. It is to prove that just because this person has a problem he/she is just as lonely as you, he/she is looking for friendship, love, a job, or whatever just like you.

The movie industry changed the whole point of this story. From an awareness to a love story.  They made it what would sell, which is why there is a huge knowledge gap between those who know and love the novel and those who go to the movies. Sex sells. End of story. Love sells. So instead of making this novel that has a huge message one that saves this message they changed it into the love story. They ruined it. Not only did they leave a lot of scenes out they left out the crucial message of being able to love yourself.

Even if you are a movie goer. I suggest you read this novel. The characterization may be flat, but the message and awareness it leaves it's audience is more important than anything you could take out of the movie.

Don't forget I am always open to suggestions and thoughts! Comment Below! :)

Not Only Did They Lose Their Belongings They Lost Themselves: Analysis of the Deeper Meaning in Both The Emperor of Lies and This Way For the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman

When trying to find a definition for the word ‘living’ Dictionary.com provided me with the most ambiguous answers such as: having life, not dead, being alive, active or thriving, vigorous, and strong. From here I explored the term ‘alive’ this gave me the same kind of ambiguous answers including, having life, existing, and not dead or lifeless. So in my search for an answer of what being alive means I looked up its antonym, dead. Thus, dictionary.com gave me answers equivalent to, no longer living, deprived of life, brain-dead, resembling death, and deathlike. The only one of these answers that truly stuck me as a true modern definition of living and life is the one under death that said brain-dead. When a person is brain-dead they are unable to process information or control their organs, they are truly ‘dead.’

            These definitions discussed above are up for debate according to dictionary sources. There is no clean cut answer to who is alive versus who is dead like someone in our society would like to believe. In modern society life and death are thought of like black and white there is no person that can be both breathing but dead, but this is one of the main focuses in both the books we have read. Can someone be both alive and dead? In both texts, This Way for The Gas, Ladies and Gentleman and The Emperor of Lies explores and redefines the modern definition of living. Through the events and characters in these texts the readers are made to question whether just because a person’s heart is beating does not mean they are living, especially is they have lost all sense of morals and their psyche.

            In today’s society morals are what people believe is right and wrong, and everyone’s morals are different but most follow the same guidelines set forth in the bible. Things like: do not steal, do not lie, honor your mother and father, treat your neighbor with respect, remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy, do not kill, and do not commit adultery. Each and every one of these ‘laws’ are broken in both of our texts, leading to degradation in the person and the society as a whole. This also leads to the person’s soul, spirit, and mind to soften and sooner or later waste away, their psyche. Leaving a person with no morals or consequence, this causes problems in the society they live in (the Ghetto or Camp) and the new society they arrive in.

            In Tadeusz Borowski’s This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman, we enter the story with his character Tadik’s morals already lost. He shows us this by putting the completely unimaginable with the absolutely normal. He describes the depot station as “a cheerful little station” and explains that “this is where they load freight for Birkenau: supplies for the construction of the camp, and people for the gas chambers. Trucks drive around, load up lumber, cement, people-a regular daily routine” (33-34). This passage makes the reader stop in his/her tracks and think. Did this person really just put supplies and gas chambers and trucks, cement, and people in the same sentence? And then call it a regular daily routine?! Yes, Tadik did. Because he has been so desensitized that to him is an everyday task. If this sort of thing did not happen it would be an unordinary day and something would be wrong. He shows the reader again just how unordinary the life he is forced to live is when he talks about the soccer game they are playing. Tadik tells us, “between two throw-ins in a soccer game, right behind my back, three thousand people had been put to death (84). To us (this 254 class) these events are something that has never happened in our lifetime so it seems so unordinary and so inhumane. Showing the difference in morals. Showing the desensitization that has happened to Tadik. Putting the unimaginable with the mundane shows the reader just how unfathomable this situation is, and how his morals are gone, he has a new set of morals, where the deceased are not a big deal.

            We also get the mundane with the completely unimaginable in Steve Sem-Sandberg’s The Emperor of Lies, he uses this technique, when he is describing how Rosa nurtures Samstag, he talks of her picking him up just like a mother would pick up a sleeping toddler and carry him/her to their room. But this situation is nothing of the norm, instead we are faced with Rosa picking up Samstag just after the Chairman has rapped Mirjam and Samstag sat outside the door masturbating “she is able to get his loose-jointed body over her shoulder and carry it backwards up the stairs to the dormitories above” (173). Rosa has nothing to say to Samstag or about the events that just occurred instead she put the child in his bed. This leads the reader to believe that this is a very ordinary occurrence in Rosa’s world. She has lost all of her morals. She does not see this act as wrong, and if she does she is at just as much fault as the Chairman and as Samstag because she was a bystander. She has found it within herself that it is okay to stand by and let children be rapped. She has lost her soul, her psyche, but most of all she has lost herself. Just like Tadik and everyone else in these novels have.

            Near the end of the This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman we find ourselves faced with a completely desensitized Tadik. We find ourselves face to face with someone that is talking about a new way to burn children, “we’ve figured out a new way to burn people want to hear it? I indicated polite interest.” First of all, who in their right mind would stick around to listen to a new way to burn people, and “indicate polite interest”? A person that has been so desensitized of all humane and ‘normal’ morals that he is interested in the new way of burning people. After so much time this desensitization eats away at your soul, this is shown in Tadik’s response, “‘Congratulations’, I said drily and with very little enthusiasm.” He still has a dry sense of right from wrong. He knows how inhumane and icky “tak[ing] four little kids with plenty of hair on their heads, [and] stick[ing] the heads together and light[ing] the hair. The rest burns by itself and in no time at all” is. After all his time in a camp this bothers him! This is what eats away at his psyche more than anything else, knowing right from wrong and not being able to stop the wrong. (142)

            Throughout this book Tadik not only calls into question all of human morals and civilization he also brings about the question of truth. He constantly talks of having the “courage to tell the world the whole truth and call it by it’s proper name” (122). This is one of the big signs of the degradation of his mind, his soul, and his spirit. He has found it within himself to finally admit that he does not know if he will live through this camp, but if he does he wants to tell all of humanity just how awful, grotesque and inhumane it can really be. He wants to share his story. But at the same time he does not want to share the truth, because he does not know how to cope with what he has gone through therefore how could anyone else. He knows that because he is alive millions of others are dead. He has to live with this. And at the end of the book we see that he cannot live with this. “With tremendous intellectual effort I attempt to grasp the true significance of the events, thing and people I have seen” he absolutely cannot grasp what he has lived through and day by day it eats him alive, “I settle down by the window, rest my head on my palms and, lulled by the sound of the dishes which my wife is washing in the kitchen alcove, I stare at the windows of the house across the way, where the lights and the radios are being turned off one by one” (179-180). It’s not to my surprise that this man committed suicide. You can see it coming, you can understand. This is what I mean by seeing how living through this horrible event eats away at a person. Tadeusz, our author, lived through Auschwitz, but not really. Auschwitz took his soul. Auschwitz took his mind. Auschwitz took his life. All he was in the end was walking and breathing.  He was not even a person anymore, because Auschwitz deprived him of his life.

            This same concept is shown throughout The Emperor of Lies; the ghetto deprives each and every one of our characters of their lives. In the end they are nothing but walking and breathing. In the end they are dead just like Tadeusz was.

            In the beginning of our novel the reader is ‘let in’ on the truth of the ghetto, making our reading experience even more depressing. The only purpose of the ghetto is to put all the Jews in an accessible and controlled area making it easier to evacuate them little by little. And again we are placed with the question of lies. How it begins and when it becomes the whole extent of ones being. This concept of lying is what tears apart everyone because “a lie always begins with denial” (25). Everyone is denying the obvious, that eventually they will die. Everyone will do anything and everything it takes to stay alive, and because of this they end up losing themselves, instead of accepting the truth and dying with themselves.

            Adam is one of our main characters that will do anything and everything to keep himself and his sister alive. He goes to all kind of extents including stealing “a real handbag”, risking his own life and others, and killing someone (128). In the end everything backfires on this young man, his sister is sold as a prostitute, later she is shot, and in the end he is alone and never gets the glory of saying he was one of the only ones to escape the ghetto. Towards the end we find Adam hiding from the Germans having hallucinations that his sister is with him “inside her face of glass, Lida is holding her breath, just like him” (612).  Adam becomes the readers hope; up until now we have read and had to deal with the fact that the only way out of the ghetto is up. In the last few pages of the novel Adam lives to see the liberation but in his desperation to finally escape the ghetto he finds that the Russians are “shooting at him” (641).

            Through Adam’s journey he loses himself. He loses track of time and days but the most significant scene of this whole novel is when Adam shoots the German officer. The officer in amazed that a Jew has a pistol to begin with but Adam’s takes his breath away (literally) when he “put a finger under the trigger and fired” (627). This event is the final string in the devastating unraveling in his character. He explains to us that he has seen many dead people but this is the first time he has taken part in the taking of another person’s life and “for him, the action is still too huge to be grasped in word or thought” he simply cannot deal with the fact that he killed this man German or not he still killed him (634). Maybe this is the reason for Adam’s death, we as readers do not have to see what the ghetto has done to him as he enters into a whole new world, because we have already been told that “anyone who saw him would have said he was a shadow of his former self” (638). Just like Tadik in the concentration camp, Adam’s life in the ghetto has changed and shaped his personality, and not for the better. Adam is no longer Adam; Adam is now just a shadow, a shadow that will soon be put to rest.

            Every character in each of these texts goes through a situation similar to Adam, Rosa, or Tadik’s. They all loose themselves and in the end each and every one of them are the walking dead. They died somewhere within themselves and have lost all sense of what we would call modern civilization. It would take pages and pages to map out and talk about each character’s demise, but the moral of both of these texts is, the harder the circumstances a person is put under the harder it is to decide to die with their morals and ‘themselves’ intact or lose everything about themselves and their morals just to stay alive. In the end we as readers wish these people would have admitted the truth and ended their own lives like Samstag instead of having to go down the ugly paths they did. Both of these texts tell the reader the same story, they read the same way, they both raise the question within the reader whether it is better to die as oneself or die as shadow of their former self.

Works Cited

Borowski, Tadeusz. This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman. New York: Penguin Classics, 1967. Print.

dictionary.com

Sem-Sandberg, Steve. The Emperor of Lies. New York: Sarah Death, 2011. Print.

Years, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved

Years, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved

Beep Beep Beep

            Edaline rolls over, removes her mess of brown hair from her eyes, to turn off her alarm. Rolling back over, she sees Greyson still fast asleep. She strokes his short, curly, soft, black hair, which reminds her of a kitten. Her hands move to his face where she rubs his scruffy facial hair and her fingers move across his soft lips. He stays fast asleep and she nudges him ever so slightly. He groans as she starts rubbing his back; she whispers sweetly into his ear. “Baby it’s time to get up,” she leans over him, her long brown wavy hair falling on his face, she kisses him. He groans again but throws off the covers so he doesn’t miss his chance in the shower.

            “Morning babe,” Edaline says ever so sweetly.  

***

            Walking into the bathroom Edaline wraps her arms around shirtless Greyson and lays her face on his shoulder kissing his cheek. “Hopefully this job interview today goes well” Edaline says with a sweet smile on her face as she rubs her hands up and down Greyson’s firm arms.

            “Why? So I have the money to buy a ring?!” Greyson snaps.

            “No, so you’re happy again...” she says as she pulls her hands off of Greyson’s arms.

            “I know. I know you don’t like me sitting at home all day while you go and teach adults how to write fiction.”

            “Babe, I never said any of this.” she says as she begins pulling at the strings of her pink silk night shirt.

            “You don’t have to. Your actions do.”

            “Greyson, I love you. I love us.”

            “But you would love us more if you had a fancy rock on your finger.”

            “Greyson...”

            “Edaline, I heard you talking to your friend Audrey. I know,” Greyson storms out of their apartment leaving his phone on the counter of their bathroom. Edaline slides onto the cold, hard tile floor and hides her face in her hands.

***

Edaline makes her way to Cornell University where she teaches Fiction Writing. This morning she meets her colleague Audrey for a cup of coffee. As they walk into their local Starbucks Edaline takes a deep breathe, taking in the wonderful smell of coffee and food. They head towards the long line hoping they don’t have to wait too long. After receiving their coffee they take a seat at ‘their’ table in the farthest corner of the coffee shop. Sitting down at the dimly lit brown table, Audrey sighs twirling a stray stand of red hair around her finger, “So what was his reasoning this time?”

“We are not financially stable,” Edaline says in a mocking tone as she looks past Audrey’s head focusing her gaze on the large coffee maker and the handsome young college man that is making the coffee.

“You won the Pulitzer Prize last year for your book and about to release another. How can you not be financially stable?!”

“Because we are not married. That is ‘my money’. We don’t pool our money. I understand where he is coming from since he has not been able to get on the police force here in Ithaca. I’m just impatient it’s been two years since we started dating. We’ve been living together for a year and a half. I’m tired of split bills, not being able to buy a house, but most of all his complaining about money.” Edaline looks Audrey straight in her bright blue eyes, seeing sympathy she tries not to show her disappointment.

“Your ex doesn’t help anything.”

With a deep sigh Edaline says, “Not at all. I just wish I knew that he was invested in this relationship as much as I am...” Edaline says looking off into the distance and taking a long sip of her Peppermint Mocha. “Well, I have class in twenty minutes. We better get to campus.”

Becoming her usual perky, happy self, Audrey exclaims, “I’ll see you for lunch?!”

“Greyson is picking me up,” Edaline shows her pearly white teeth as she smiles from ear to ear

“Okay, I’ll see you in meeting!” Audrey prances out of the coffee shop. God am I glad she was brought into my life. She always knows how to cheer me up with her over-the-top perkiness. Edaline thinks as she watches Audrey leave, she laughs to herself.  

As Edaline leaves the coffee shop, walking alone, to her office to grab the graded papers for class.  She strolls to class, not in much of a rush, and notices a building that looks much like where she went to school back home. The building reaches to the sky and leans to the right just slightly, making it look older than it really is. It’s dark grey with bricks that appear to be falling out of it. Suddenly she is hit with a horrid stench, she crinkles her nose in dismay, it smells as though something is burning and has been for a while. The building appears to have a rain cloud above it and instantly it starts sprinkling. Looking around she notices students beginning to run to class and laughs. Rain is something that happened back home a lot, and very suddenly. She looks up to the heavens, takes a deep breath and frees herself of the tension of the morning. I’m going to put everything to the side and focus on my students and today. Greyson and our argument can wait. Pulling out her phone she sees that she has seven missed calls and a dozen text messages but, she doesn’t look at any of them, she doesn’t call him back-- she simply turns off her phone. Looking back at the building it looks a bit different now-- the color redder.

Finally getting to her office, she sits back in her black office chair that is far too huge and practically eats her alive. She picks up the papers, checks through to make sure they are all graded, and powers on her MacBook so she can quickly check her email, and post her student’s grades. When she opens up her email, she falls back practically falling backwards in her chair, and covers her face. There sits ten emails. Five from students, two from Greyson, one from her lawyer, one from her mom, and the last one from Jacoby. She closes her eyes with her hands still over her face. How did he find me? Jacoby, Edaline’s boyfriend from high school. Jacoby, the sperm donor of Edaline’s son who is currently living with her parents until she can find a house big enough for the three of them, until Greyson can adopt him and help pay for insurance and all the other things it takes to raise a child. Jacoby held Edaline under his ‘spell’ for 5 years until she met Greyson. Greyson is her savior. He got her out of the horrible situation she was in with Jacoby. After she graduated from Washington State and put out her first book, she and Greyson left to start over, and hide from Jacoby. Her parents agreed to keep her son until they were settled and now a year later they still are not. How embarrassing. Now Jacoby has found her. She opens up the email from her lawyer back home and reads over it carefully.

Ms. Edaline,

I hope all is well at Cornell, unfortunately all is not here. I am writing you to inform you that Jacoby has contacted me on getting a paternity test. I must speak with you and Greyson at once. I think we can hold him back until Greyson adopts but that needs to be done as soon as possible. Please call me at your convenience.

Best,

Nathan

            Throwing her hands on her desk in disbelief, Are you kidding me? It has been 3 years and now suddenly he cares about his son, who he called a mistake and told me to get rid of, while he goes out drinking himself to death and getting more diseases than a wild animal. She looks at the clock realizing she is now five minutes late to class. She rises from her chair and runs off to class.

After class she returns to her office to see that email sitting as the first thing she looks at. Without looking at any of Greyson’s emails, texts, or calls, she calls him.

            “Finally you answer me.”

            “I got an email from Nathan.”

            “Saying…..?”

            “Jacoby is trying again…he wants us to call and talk to him about what we want to do.”

            “Edaline...”

            “I have lived in fear of this guy for YEARS! How do you not understand that!?” I slammed my hand down on my desk, and shook it immediately following.

            “Edaline….”

            “Greyson! I’m going to have to choose between you and my son, and I am pretty sure you know who I’ll choose.”

            “Edaline…”

            “I’m coming home to pack up my things.” I hung up on him. I was not going to do this anymore. I loved Greyson to death my son and his safety comes first.

            “HEY! Congrats!” Startled, I look up to see Audrey popping her perky red bun around the corner of my office door

            I look up at her puzzled.

            “Your book won another award! Isn’t that exciting! You didn’t know?! It’s posted right outside your office!”

            “No, I was late getting to my class this morning.” Great, another accomplishment for me and nothing for Greyson. Another fight to be fought. I picked up my phone noticing a countless number of missed calls from Greyson, instead of dealing with that I called my mom to let her know I needed her help in finding a house.

***

            That night upon arrival home Greyson was already in bed, asleep. I took my time in making my way back to the room, first checking my email, then checking the mail, triple checking the doors and windows to ensure they are locked, putting the one plate into the dishwasher, throwing a load of laundry into the dryer, I looked around one final time realizing there was nothing left in the house; it was spotless. I changed into my silk pajamas, washed my face to take off the days wear on it, brushed my teeth, and finally walked into my bedroom where Greyson was sleeping. The stench of ‘man’ in the room about knocked me over, the stench was overpowering. Slipping into the cold, black covers, I propped myself up on one arm and looked at Greyson. There he laid on his stomach, snoring as loud as a jet engine going over Memorial Stadium on game day. His drool was in the form of an ocean over the black pillow case. His arms were losing tone from lack of working out, the tone of his whole body looked like an old woman’s skin. I rolled over taking a long deep breath and wrapping my long brown hair around my neck, suddenly this place was colder than I remember, suddenly it didn’t feel like home.

***

The next morning Edaline woke before Greyson was even beginning to stir, she dressed in her favorite knee length black dress with a lace back, and her favorite bright pink heels. She made her way to her office in the dark. She spent the day sending out emails for her remaining classes that week, letting her students know they would be canceled. She cleaned up her office, and removed the pictures of Greyson that once covered her office, just the sight of them made her want to cry. She couldn’t believe that it had come down to this. She made sure to keep her phone right by her side just in case Greyson would change his mind, but she did not hear a word from him. Her heart sank lower and lower as the day went on, knowing what would come, knowing that Edaline and Greyson were coming to their end.  She called to make plans with her mom to meet her at the airport in Seattle as soon as possible. Edaline had made up her mind, and this time there was no going back.

***

Edaline walks into her dimly lit apartment preparing to pack her bags and catch the next flight to Seattle. Why are the lights off? Where is Greyson? He should be home. Looking at her newest IPhone, she thinks, He didn’t text me that he would be gone nor did he call me. And then she sees Greyson sitting at their black wooden kitchen table that was covered with a white table cloth, a candle and a vase with a single rose sat in the middle of the table. It was set for two, Greyson had made dinner. He knows I am about to leave, she thinks. Rising from his seat and dressed in his best suit, Greyson hurries to help Edaline with her things and leads her to the table.

            “What is all of this for?!” She, feeling more than annoyed. She sits down on her least favorite chair, the one that squeaks all the time, every time she moves there is another squeak. She’s asked Greyson to do it multiple times, but every time he just blows her off, and that is beginning to annoy her more than anything. The fact that he doesn’t care about her feelings...

            “Celebrating,” Greyson replies with a smile as long as the Texas border.

            “Celebrating what?” she snappes back. Fidgeting in her chair it squeaks again.

            Placing a letter on the table he replies, “The second award on your book!”

            Of course nothing that exciting. I knew that hours ago. “I know. Nothing too exciting.”

            Bringing over Edaline’s favorite meal bacon wrapped filets and fettuccine alfredo along with two glasses of white wine he sets them down on the table. Edaline rises from her chair making in squeak a third time. Goes to the door and takes off the bright pink heels that have been killing her feet all day. I’ll put them on before I leave. Obviously it will take longer than I wanted, but I really don’t want this to be a big blow out fight. Hopefully this is not a deal breaker for him…I just want my son. “It’s exciting to me. I have a very successful beautiful girlfriend.” And that’s all I’ll ever be won't it? Instead of being a debbie downer she picks up her bent silver fork and slowly begins eating. “Are you still mad about the other day?” he asks.

            “Yes, I am.” She slams down her fork. “Greyson I love you to the moon and back and you know that but-”

            He cuts her off, “Let’s talk about this after dinner please? I spent all afternoon preparing this evening. I even made your favorite cheesecake!” He kisses her on her forehead and headed back into the kitchen to grab it. She doesn’t pick her fork back up she just lets it lay there. Staring at the picture of the three of them that is placed on the wall in front of her she remembers how happy they were when they were all three together. Maybe I should have listened to my parents and stayed in Pullman. Everything would have been easier. We could all be together and maybe we would not be at the breaking point we are not…if only I’d listened…hearing Greyson’s loud obnoxious footsteps coming back into the dining room she is pulled from her thoughts and quickly picks up her fork. She doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t like it. Again her chair squeaks. She takes a deep breathe in hopes that it’ll calm her down. She does not want a big fight. She just wants to get Talan. She just wants them to be happy again…

            Greyson brings her a piece of cheesecake and sets it beside her. She continues eating her steak and does not even glance at him. “Edaline?” She glances over at Greyson and the cheesecake, after looking at it multiple times and at him she cups her hands around her mouth and tears well in her eyes. A ring sits on top of the cheesecake and here is Greyson on one knee.