Dating and single parenthood

It is no secret that dating as a single mother is hard. Especially when she has her child 24/7. Tomorrow marks a month. It has now been a month since Eugene and I broke up. Not only does it mark a month, it marks a year and a half that we would have been together. This date is bittersweet. The break up had to happen, neither one of us were happy in the relationship, but I think the hardest part of all of this is not how I am taking it. It is how my son is. 

When a man comes into a life of a single mother and stays for a large amount of time. When he becomes invested in the family structure and the routine of everyday life. That man takes in the role of daddy. It is a fact of life. If he is not comfortable with that role he shouldn't become involved and invested. Because when that relationship falls apart it is worse for the child. I don't know how many times I have been asked "when is daddy coming home?" How do I answer this? I have just been saying that "he's on a trip" I can't find it within myself to bash someone that simply 'changed his mind.' Am I wrong for this?  

Don't get me wrong. I am angry, very angry. That he can walk away with no repercussions. No feelings. No feeling of loss. He just walks away, sorry for nothing. He walks away empty handed while I am left once again to pick up the pieces. Is this what being a single mom is all about? Constantly picking up the pieces? I want to say no, but at this point letting someone else into my son's life seems far fetched without a wedding date made..I can't break his heart like that again.  It is not fair for a two year old.  

But what makes me every more upset is he was in the life of this little boy for a year and five months. He held him when he was sick, watched him strive, and grow. He allowed him to call him Daddy. How can he just walk away? I think my little boy is incredible, maybe I'm biased. Maybe I am the shallow one thinking that this isn't hurting him at all. Maybe he does look at the pictures of my wonderful son and cry. But if he does, why doesn't he do anything about it? This is what leads me to think he doesn't care. 

So a tip for all guys out there that are thinking about dating a single mother, or are getting to the point where you are meeting her child(ren): Dont. Unless you are 250% positive that you are ready to become a father or take on a family role. If you have any questions about anything DO NOT get involved. Share your concerns with her, she will understand. But don't make the children suffer because you are not sure if you are ready to settle down. 

Women are not toys to be played with. This goes for single mom or the party girl you met last night. We have feelings. We think into things, and overreact. We are filled with drama, and cry for no reason. But we can love and care about you more than you ever thought possible. As for the single mom population. We know rejection. We know how to work hard, and we know how to love hard. Do not take advantage of that. We can be the best thing that ever happened to you, or your worst night mare. 

Each and every single mother out there is fiercer than a mother bear when it comes to her children. Don't put the children in the middle of your insecurities. :)

Less is More.

When looking at the best-selling series of Divergent, readers are enthralled with the well-developed characters, plot, and setting. But the root of the story is the simplicity of the words on the page and how she molds and shapes them into something new, something exciting, and portrays the largest of ideas with the fewest words. This series is targeted at ages fourteen years and up, so it is placed in the Young Adult Literature category. But the interesting thing about this is even though it is targeted at eighth graders there are concepts and ideas that an adult would understand and thrive on. Even though this is considered adolescent literature, the writing in the novel is spectacular and Veronica Roth’s use of words is something to admire.

Many critics compare Divergent and The Hunger Games, even as far as saying that “for a book that explores themes about the right to be individual and the importance of breaking away from the pack, ‘Divergent’ does not exactly distinguish itself” (Dominus). But I have to disagree, though Divergent follows some of the same themes as Hunger Games did like girls breaking out of their societies norms, Roth does something more. Roth leaves the reader to interpret and make his/her own story. She uses phrases with very little words to portray a larger idea. In the second book in the series Insurgent, Roth leaves her main character Tris reflecting on her own feelings, motives, and actions, leaving the reader to stop and analyze how Tris is truly feelings, “I am almost afraid of him. I don’t know what to say or do around the erratic part of him, and it is here, bubbling just beneath the surface of what he does, just like the cruel part of me. We both have war inside of us. Sometimes it keeps us alive. Sometimes it threatens to destroy us” (242). This passage speaks to me. Roth uses simplicity to portray the larger image of the story: fear. There is even an element of the unknown shown throughout the series, the unknown of each other, and the unknown of the future. But never once is this said, instead it is shown.

Another critic for the New York Times states, “the book’s characters and themes are blunt, coarse things, with almost no nuance. What is compelling in Katniss, for example—her ambivalence about power, violence and romantic love—is entirely absent in Tris, who lives in a world of moral certainties. The regime’s overthrow is the only right thing to do, worthy of any kind of sacrifice; her companion, Four, is the man for her from the start of the books to the finish. In other words the thing is flat, flat, flat” (New York Times). Again I disagree, and loudly, I have read both series, if anything is flat it would have to be Katniss. Katniss fails to show any emotion throughout the series, whereas Tris has long excerpts like the one above where she reflects on the situations at hand. I could go on and on about the differences of both series, but that is meant for another paper.

In one of my other classes, I choose to look at the etymologies of the words that Roth uses in a 170 excerpt. I used the last two pages of Divergent, and found that most of Roth’s words stem from Old English. This is interesting because these are the simpler words, those that are not specific to any trade such as: a, and, everything, become, brother, behind, the list goes on and on. These are the words that adolescents use on a daily basis, those that come up in daily conversations amongst their peers Of the 170 words I looked at 106 of those were from Old English. The type of the words fairly matters, though it is interesting to look at, what does matter is how Roth shapes these words into ideas and even larger into a story.

The passage I used discuss the ambiguity that awaits them. The passage reads as such:

I kiss him as the train slides into unlit, uncertain land. I kiss him for as long as I want, for longer than I should, given that my brother sits three feet away from me.

I reach into my pocket and take out the hard drive that contains the simulation data. I turn it in my hands, letting it catch the fading light and reflect it. Marcus’s eyes cling greedily to the movement. Not safe. I think. Not quite.

            I clutch the hard drive to my chest, lean my head on Tobia’s shoulder, and try to sleep.

Abnegation and Dauntless are both broken, their members scattered. We are like the factionless now. I do not know what life will be like, separated from a faction—it feels disengaged, like a leaf divided from the tree that gives it sustenance. We are creatures of loss; we have left everything behind.  I have no home, no path, and no certainty. I am no longer Tris, the selfless, or Tris, the brave.

            I suppose that now, I must become more than either.

This passage is just as striking as the one in Insurgent because a sixteen year old should be scared of what is to come right after losing her parents in an all-out war and now they are being hunted. But what she doesn’t say is that she is scared. Instead she talks of what is lost, what is disengaged, that she has nothing anymore. She even questions who she is. This is far from a flat character.

            Critics need to reread both series back to back. The Hunger Games lacks plot, and is very repetitive, as a reader one has an idea of what is to come. In Divergent it is the complete opposite, the ending of the series takes everyone by surprise. Veronica Roth does a lot with very few words, she conveys ideas using the words that her audience uses in everyday conversation. Though she parallels the themes that are being seen throughout adolescent literature today, she does it in a captivating way that makes the reader young or old to question the book itself, and his or her self.

Works Cited

DOMINUS, SUSAN. "In This Dystopia, Teens Must Choose Wisely." New York Times. The New York Times, 12 May 2011. Web. 22 Nov. 2014.

Dean, Michelle. "Our Young-Adult Dystopia." The New York Times. The New York Times, 31 Jan. 2014. Web. 22 Nov. 2014. <http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/magazine/our-young-adult-dystopia.html>.

Roth, Veronica. Divergent. New York: HarperCollins, 2011. Print.

Roth, Veronica. Insurgent. New York: HarperCollins, 2012. Print.

Movies vs Novels and The Fault in Our Stars

There are three kind of people in this world; those who enjoy a good written novel, those who enjoy a good movie, and those who read the novel and go to the movie just to criticize it. I am of the third category. This summer my goal is to read each and every novel that is being made into a movie and provide my readers with a break down of the pros and the cons of this movie. A few weeks ago I read and saw A Fault in Our Stars, and while my critics of this movie did not end at what a horrible actress Shailene Woodley is I figured out a big part of humanity. Bear with me as I work through this realization.

The Fault in Our Stars took me exactly one day to read. It was a tear jerker and something that I would never pick up again. As I feel in love with Gus, Hazel was not the most developed. She fell flat for me (yes I am talking about the book). Though she appeared to really love Gus, her actions and thoughts didn't appear so. It felt more like "I must do this before I die" kind of thing. But Gus, though we never got his thoughts seemed genuine in his love for her. I actually felt bad for him throughout the whole novel because he seemed to be dating someone so flat, someone so boring. I found myself more worried about who would die at the end of the novel than I did enjoying the journey. Though this book had a mediocre main character the lesson or point of the story was outstanding.

The novel itself focused on being able to live (and love) your and someone else's disability. Yes I know most people would think of a disability as being down syndrome or some type of learning disability, but if you think down and really ponder it. Hazel was living with a disability. Gus was living with a disability. Disability is defined as a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses, or activities. Cancer limited every one of Hazel's activities. She could no longer be a child as she was dealing with adult problems. The point of this novel is to bring awareness to disabilities and how to efficiently live with them regardless of the circumstances. It was to bring awareness to everyone else in society how lonely living with cancer is. This book may be like the Imperial Affliction is to Hazel to some people suffering with cancer, but the ultimate audience is all of us in society who shy away with someone who has an oxygen tank, or shaved head, or doesn't look like we do. It is to prove that just because this person has a problem he/she is just as lonely as you, he/she is looking for friendship, love, a job, or whatever just like you.

The movie industry changed the whole point of this story. From an awareness to a love story.  They made it what would sell, which is why there is a huge knowledge gap between those who know and love the novel and those who go to the movies. Sex sells. End of story. Love sells. So instead of making this novel that has a huge message one that saves this message they changed it into the love story. They ruined it. Not only did they leave a lot of scenes out they left out the crucial message of being able to love yourself.

Even if you are a movie goer. I suggest you read this novel. The characterization may be flat, but the message and awareness it leaves it's audience is more important than anything you could take out of the movie.

Don't forget I am always open to suggestions and thoughts! Comment Below! :)

Not Only Did They Lose Their Belongings They Lost Themselves: Analysis of the Deeper Meaning in Both The Emperor of Lies and This Way For the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman

When trying to find a definition for the word ‘living’ Dictionary.com provided me with the most ambiguous answers such as: having life, not dead, being alive, active or thriving, vigorous, and strong. From here I explored the term ‘alive’ this gave me the same kind of ambiguous answers including, having life, existing, and not dead or lifeless. So in my search for an answer of what being alive means I looked up its antonym, dead. Thus, dictionary.com gave me answers equivalent to, no longer living, deprived of life, brain-dead, resembling death, and deathlike. The only one of these answers that truly stuck me as a true modern definition of living and life is the one under death that said brain-dead. When a person is brain-dead they are unable to process information or control their organs, they are truly ‘dead.’

            These definitions discussed above are up for debate according to dictionary sources. There is no clean cut answer to who is alive versus who is dead like someone in our society would like to believe. In modern society life and death are thought of like black and white there is no person that can be both breathing but dead, but this is one of the main focuses in both the books we have read. Can someone be both alive and dead? In both texts, This Way for The Gas, Ladies and Gentleman and The Emperor of Lies explores and redefines the modern definition of living. Through the events and characters in these texts the readers are made to question whether just because a person’s heart is beating does not mean they are living, especially is they have lost all sense of morals and their psyche.

            In today’s society morals are what people believe is right and wrong, and everyone’s morals are different but most follow the same guidelines set forth in the bible. Things like: do not steal, do not lie, honor your mother and father, treat your neighbor with respect, remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy, do not kill, and do not commit adultery. Each and every one of these ‘laws’ are broken in both of our texts, leading to degradation in the person and the society as a whole. This also leads to the person’s soul, spirit, and mind to soften and sooner or later waste away, their psyche. Leaving a person with no morals or consequence, this causes problems in the society they live in (the Ghetto or Camp) and the new society they arrive in.

            In Tadeusz Borowski’s This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman, we enter the story with his character Tadik’s morals already lost. He shows us this by putting the completely unimaginable with the absolutely normal. He describes the depot station as “a cheerful little station” and explains that “this is where they load freight for Birkenau: supplies for the construction of the camp, and people for the gas chambers. Trucks drive around, load up lumber, cement, people-a regular daily routine” (33-34). This passage makes the reader stop in his/her tracks and think. Did this person really just put supplies and gas chambers and trucks, cement, and people in the same sentence? And then call it a regular daily routine?! Yes, Tadik did. Because he has been so desensitized that to him is an everyday task. If this sort of thing did not happen it would be an unordinary day and something would be wrong. He shows the reader again just how unordinary the life he is forced to live is when he talks about the soccer game they are playing. Tadik tells us, “between two throw-ins in a soccer game, right behind my back, three thousand people had been put to death (84). To us (this 254 class) these events are something that has never happened in our lifetime so it seems so unordinary and so inhumane. Showing the difference in morals. Showing the desensitization that has happened to Tadik. Putting the unimaginable with the mundane shows the reader just how unfathomable this situation is, and how his morals are gone, he has a new set of morals, where the deceased are not a big deal.

            We also get the mundane with the completely unimaginable in Steve Sem-Sandberg’s The Emperor of Lies, he uses this technique, when he is describing how Rosa nurtures Samstag, he talks of her picking him up just like a mother would pick up a sleeping toddler and carry him/her to their room. But this situation is nothing of the norm, instead we are faced with Rosa picking up Samstag just after the Chairman has rapped Mirjam and Samstag sat outside the door masturbating “she is able to get his loose-jointed body over her shoulder and carry it backwards up the stairs to the dormitories above” (173). Rosa has nothing to say to Samstag or about the events that just occurred instead she put the child in his bed. This leads the reader to believe that this is a very ordinary occurrence in Rosa’s world. She has lost all of her morals. She does not see this act as wrong, and if she does she is at just as much fault as the Chairman and as Samstag because she was a bystander. She has found it within herself that it is okay to stand by and let children be rapped. She has lost her soul, her psyche, but most of all she has lost herself. Just like Tadik and everyone else in these novels have.

            Near the end of the This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman we find ourselves faced with a completely desensitized Tadik. We find ourselves face to face with someone that is talking about a new way to burn children, “we’ve figured out a new way to burn people want to hear it? I indicated polite interest.” First of all, who in their right mind would stick around to listen to a new way to burn people, and “indicate polite interest”? A person that has been so desensitized of all humane and ‘normal’ morals that he is interested in the new way of burning people. After so much time this desensitization eats away at your soul, this is shown in Tadik’s response, “‘Congratulations’, I said drily and with very little enthusiasm.” He still has a dry sense of right from wrong. He knows how inhumane and icky “tak[ing] four little kids with plenty of hair on their heads, [and] stick[ing] the heads together and light[ing] the hair. The rest burns by itself and in no time at all” is. After all his time in a camp this bothers him! This is what eats away at his psyche more than anything else, knowing right from wrong and not being able to stop the wrong. (142)

            Throughout this book Tadik not only calls into question all of human morals and civilization he also brings about the question of truth. He constantly talks of having the “courage to tell the world the whole truth and call it by it’s proper name” (122). This is one of the big signs of the degradation of his mind, his soul, and his spirit. He has found it within himself to finally admit that he does not know if he will live through this camp, but if he does he wants to tell all of humanity just how awful, grotesque and inhumane it can really be. He wants to share his story. But at the same time he does not want to share the truth, because he does not know how to cope with what he has gone through therefore how could anyone else. He knows that because he is alive millions of others are dead. He has to live with this. And at the end of the book we see that he cannot live with this. “With tremendous intellectual effort I attempt to grasp the true significance of the events, thing and people I have seen” he absolutely cannot grasp what he has lived through and day by day it eats him alive, “I settle down by the window, rest my head on my palms and, lulled by the sound of the dishes which my wife is washing in the kitchen alcove, I stare at the windows of the house across the way, where the lights and the radios are being turned off one by one” (179-180). It’s not to my surprise that this man committed suicide. You can see it coming, you can understand. This is what I mean by seeing how living through this horrible event eats away at a person. Tadeusz, our author, lived through Auschwitz, but not really. Auschwitz took his soul. Auschwitz took his mind. Auschwitz took his life. All he was in the end was walking and breathing.  He was not even a person anymore, because Auschwitz deprived him of his life.

            This same concept is shown throughout The Emperor of Lies; the ghetto deprives each and every one of our characters of their lives. In the end they are nothing but walking and breathing. In the end they are dead just like Tadeusz was.

            In the beginning of our novel the reader is ‘let in’ on the truth of the ghetto, making our reading experience even more depressing. The only purpose of the ghetto is to put all the Jews in an accessible and controlled area making it easier to evacuate them little by little. And again we are placed with the question of lies. How it begins and when it becomes the whole extent of ones being. This concept of lying is what tears apart everyone because “a lie always begins with denial” (25). Everyone is denying the obvious, that eventually they will die. Everyone will do anything and everything it takes to stay alive, and because of this they end up losing themselves, instead of accepting the truth and dying with themselves.

            Adam is one of our main characters that will do anything and everything to keep himself and his sister alive. He goes to all kind of extents including stealing “a real handbag”, risking his own life and others, and killing someone (128). In the end everything backfires on this young man, his sister is sold as a prostitute, later she is shot, and in the end he is alone and never gets the glory of saying he was one of the only ones to escape the ghetto. Towards the end we find Adam hiding from the Germans having hallucinations that his sister is with him “inside her face of glass, Lida is holding her breath, just like him” (612).  Adam becomes the readers hope; up until now we have read and had to deal with the fact that the only way out of the ghetto is up. In the last few pages of the novel Adam lives to see the liberation but in his desperation to finally escape the ghetto he finds that the Russians are “shooting at him” (641).

            Through Adam’s journey he loses himself. He loses track of time and days but the most significant scene of this whole novel is when Adam shoots the German officer. The officer in amazed that a Jew has a pistol to begin with but Adam’s takes his breath away (literally) when he “put a finger under the trigger and fired” (627). This event is the final string in the devastating unraveling in his character. He explains to us that he has seen many dead people but this is the first time he has taken part in the taking of another person’s life and “for him, the action is still too huge to be grasped in word or thought” he simply cannot deal with the fact that he killed this man German or not he still killed him (634). Maybe this is the reason for Adam’s death, we as readers do not have to see what the ghetto has done to him as he enters into a whole new world, because we have already been told that “anyone who saw him would have said he was a shadow of his former self” (638). Just like Tadik in the concentration camp, Adam’s life in the ghetto has changed and shaped his personality, and not for the better. Adam is no longer Adam; Adam is now just a shadow, a shadow that will soon be put to rest.

            Every character in each of these texts goes through a situation similar to Adam, Rosa, or Tadik’s. They all loose themselves and in the end each and every one of them are the walking dead. They died somewhere within themselves and have lost all sense of what we would call modern civilization. It would take pages and pages to map out and talk about each character’s demise, but the moral of both of these texts is, the harder the circumstances a person is put under the harder it is to decide to die with their morals and ‘themselves’ intact or lose everything about themselves and their morals just to stay alive. In the end we as readers wish these people would have admitted the truth and ended their own lives like Samstag instead of having to go down the ugly paths they did. Both of these texts tell the reader the same story, they read the same way, they both raise the question within the reader whether it is better to die as oneself or die as shadow of their former self.

Works Cited

Borowski, Tadeusz. This Way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentleman. New York: Penguin Classics, 1967. Print.

dictionary.com

Sem-Sandberg, Steve. The Emperor of Lies. New York: Sarah Death, 2011. Print.

Years, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved

Years, Bittersweet, and Twice Loved

Beep Beep Beep

            Edaline rolls over, removes her mess of brown hair from her eyes, to turn off her alarm. Rolling back over, she sees Greyson still fast asleep. She strokes his short, curly, soft, black hair, which reminds her of a kitten. Her hands move to his face where she rubs his scruffy facial hair and her fingers move across his soft lips. He stays fast asleep and she nudges him ever so slightly. He groans as she starts rubbing his back; she whispers sweetly into his ear. “Baby it’s time to get up,” she leans over him, her long brown wavy hair falling on his face, she kisses him. He groans again but throws off the covers so he doesn’t miss his chance in the shower.

            “Morning babe,” Edaline says ever so sweetly.  

***

            Walking into the bathroom Edaline wraps her arms around shirtless Greyson and lays her face on his shoulder kissing his cheek. “Hopefully this job interview today goes well” Edaline says with a sweet smile on her face as she rubs her hands up and down Greyson’s firm arms.

            “Why? So I have the money to buy a ring?!” Greyson snaps.

            “No, so you’re happy again...” she says as she pulls her hands off of Greyson’s arms.

            “I know. I know you don’t like me sitting at home all day while you go and teach adults how to write fiction.”

            “Babe, I never said any of this.” she says as she begins pulling at the strings of her pink silk night shirt.

            “You don’t have to. Your actions do.”

            “Greyson, I love you. I love us.”

            “But you would love us more if you had a fancy rock on your finger.”

            “Greyson...”

            “Edaline, I heard you talking to your friend Audrey. I know,” Greyson storms out of their apartment leaving his phone on the counter of their bathroom. Edaline slides onto the cold, hard tile floor and hides her face in her hands.

***

Edaline makes her way to Cornell University where she teaches Fiction Writing. This morning she meets her colleague Audrey for a cup of coffee. As they walk into their local Starbucks Edaline takes a deep breathe, taking in the wonderful smell of coffee and food. They head towards the long line hoping they don’t have to wait too long. After receiving their coffee they take a seat at ‘their’ table in the farthest corner of the coffee shop. Sitting down at the dimly lit brown table, Audrey sighs twirling a stray stand of red hair around her finger, “So what was his reasoning this time?”

“We are not financially stable,” Edaline says in a mocking tone as she looks past Audrey’s head focusing her gaze on the large coffee maker and the handsome young college man that is making the coffee.

“You won the Pulitzer Prize last year for your book and about to release another. How can you not be financially stable?!”

“Because we are not married. That is ‘my money’. We don’t pool our money. I understand where he is coming from since he has not been able to get on the police force here in Ithaca. I’m just impatient it’s been two years since we started dating. We’ve been living together for a year and a half. I’m tired of split bills, not being able to buy a house, but most of all his complaining about money.” Edaline looks Audrey straight in her bright blue eyes, seeing sympathy she tries not to show her disappointment.

“Your ex doesn’t help anything.”

With a deep sigh Edaline says, “Not at all. I just wish I knew that he was invested in this relationship as much as I am...” Edaline says looking off into the distance and taking a long sip of her Peppermint Mocha. “Well, I have class in twenty minutes. We better get to campus.”

Becoming her usual perky, happy self, Audrey exclaims, “I’ll see you for lunch?!”

“Greyson is picking me up,” Edaline shows her pearly white teeth as she smiles from ear to ear

“Okay, I’ll see you in meeting!” Audrey prances out of the coffee shop. God am I glad she was brought into my life. She always knows how to cheer me up with her over-the-top perkiness. Edaline thinks as she watches Audrey leave, she laughs to herself.  

As Edaline leaves the coffee shop, walking alone, to her office to grab the graded papers for class.  She strolls to class, not in much of a rush, and notices a building that looks much like where she went to school back home. The building reaches to the sky and leans to the right just slightly, making it look older than it really is. It’s dark grey with bricks that appear to be falling out of it. Suddenly she is hit with a horrid stench, she crinkles her nose in dismay, it smells as though something is burning and has been for a while. The building appears to have a rain cloud above it and instantly it starts sprinkling. Looking around she notices students beginning to run to class and laughs. Rain is something that happened back home a lot, and very suddenly. She looks up to the heavens, takes a deep breath and frees herself of the tension of the morning. I’m going to put everything to the side and focus on my students and today. Greyson and our argument can wait. Pulling out her phone she sees that she has seven missed calls and a dozen text messages but, she doesn’t look at any of them, she doesn’t call him back-- she simply turns off her phone. Looking back at the building it looks a bit different now-- the color redder.

Finally getting to her office, she sits back in her black office chair that is far too huge and practically eats her alive. She picks up the papers, checks through to make sure they are all graded, and powers on her MacBook so she can quickly check her email, and post her student’s grades. When she opens up her email, she falls back practically falling backwards in her chair, and covers her face. There sits ten emails. Five from students, two from Greyson, one from her lawyer, one from her mom, and the last one from Jacoby. She closes her eyes with her hands still over her face. How did he find me? Jacoby, Edaline’s boyfriend from high school. Jacoby, the sperm donor of Edaline’s son who is currently living with her parents until she can find a house big enough for the three of them, until Greyson can adopt him and help pay for insurance and all the other things it takes to raise a child. Jacoby held Edaline under his ‘spell’ for 5 years until she met Greyson. Greyson is her savior. He got her out of the horrible situation she was in with Jacoby. After she graduated from Washington State and put out her first book, she and Greyson left to start over, and hide from Jacoby. Her parents agreed to keep her son until they were settled and now a year later they still are not. How embarrassing. Now Jacoby has found her. She opens up the email from her lawyer back home and reads over it carefully.

Ms. Edaline,

I hope all is well at Cornell, unfortunately all is not here. I am writing you to inform you that Jacoby has contacted me on getting a paternity test. I must speak with you and Greyson at once. I think we can hold him back until Greyson adopts but that needs to be done as soon as possible. Please call me at your convenience.

Best,

Nathan

            Throwing her hands on her desk in disbelief, Are you kidding me? It has been 3 years and now suddenly he cares about his son, who he called a mistake and told me to get rid of, while he goes out drinking himself to death and getting more diseases than a wild animal. She looks at the clock realizing she is now five minutes late to class. She rises from her chair and runs off to class.

After class she returns to her office to see that email sitting as the first thing she looks at. Without looking at any of Greyson’s emails, texts, or calls, she calls him.

            “Finally you answer me.”

            “I got an email from Nathan.”

            “Saying…..?”

            “Jacoby is trying again…he wants us to call and talk to him about what we want to do.”

            “Edaline...”

            “I have lived in fear of this guy for YEARS! How do you not understand that!?” I slammed my hand down on my desk, and shook it immediately following.

            “Edaline….”

            “Greyson! I’m going to have to choose between you and my son, and I am pretty sure you know who I’ll choose.”

            “Edaline…”

            “I’m coming home to pack up my things.” I hung up on him. I was not going to do this anymore. I loved Greyson to death my son and his safety comes first.

            “HEY! Congrats!” Startled, I look up to see Audrey popping her perky red bun around the corner of my office door

            I look up at her puzzled.

            “Your book won another award! Isn’t that exciting! You didn’t know?! It’s posted right outside your office!”

            “No, I was late getting to my class this morning.” Great, another accomplishment for me and nothing for Greyson. Another fight to be fought. I picked up my phone noticing a countless number of missed calls from Greyson, instead of dealing with that I called my mom to let her know I needed her help in finding a house.

***

            That night upon arrival home Greyson was already in bed, asleep. I took my time in making my way back to the room, first checking my email, then checking the mail, triple checking the doors and windows to ensure they are locked, putting the one plate into the dishwasher, throwing a load of laundry into the dryer, I looked around one final time realizing there was nothing left in the house; it was spotless. I changed into my silk pajamas, washed my face to take off the days wear on it, brushed my teeth, and finally walked into my bedroom where Greyson was sleeping. The stench of ‘man’ in the room about knocked me over, the stench was overpowering. Slipping into the cold, black covers, I propped myself up on one arm and looked at Greyson. There he laid on his stomach, snoring as loud as a jet engine going over Memorial Stadium on game day. His drool was in the form of an ocean over the black pillow case. His arms were losing tone from lack of working out, the tone of his whole body looked like an old woman’s skin. I rolled over taking a long deep breath and wrapping my long brown hair around my neck, suddenly this place was colder than I remember, suddenly it didn’t feel like home.

***

The next morning Edaline woke before Greyson was even beginning to stir, she dressed in her favorite knee length black dress with a lace back, and her favorite bright pink heels. She made her way to her office in the dark. She spent the day sending out emails for her remaining classes that week, letting her students know they would be canceled. She cleaned up her office, and removed the pictures of Greyson that once covered her office, just the sight of them made her want to cry. She couldn’t believe that it had come down to this. She made sure to keep her phone right by her side just in case Greyson would change his mind, but she did not hear a word from him. Her heart sank lower and lower as the day went on, knowing what would come, knowing that Edaline and Greyson were coming to their end.  She called to make plans with her mom to meet her at the airport in Seattle as soon as possible. Edaline had made up her mind, and this time there was no going back.

***

Edaline walks into her dimly lit apartment preparing to pack her bags and catch the next flight to Seattle. Why are the lights off? Where is Greyson? He should be home. Looking at her newest IPhone, she thinks, He didn’t text me that he would be gone nor did he call me. And then she sees Greyson sitting at their black wooden kitchen table that was covered with a white table cloth, a candle and a vase with a single rose sat in the middle of the table. It was set for two, Greyson had made dinner. He knows I am about to leave, she thinks. Rising from his seat and dressed in his best suit, Greyson hurries to help Edaline with her things and leads her to the table.

            “What is all of this for?!” She, feeling more than annoyed. She sits down on her least favorite chair, the one that squeaks all the time, every time she moves there is another squeak. She’s asked Greyson to do it multiple times, but every time he just blows her off, and that is beginning to annoy her more than anything. The fact that he doesn’t care about her feelings...

            “Celebrating,” Greyson replies with a smile as long as the Texas border.

            “Celebrating what?” she snappes back. Fidgeting in her chair it squeaks again.

            Placing a letter on the table he replies, “The second award on your book!”

            Of course nothing that exciting. I knew that hours ago. “I know. Nothing too exciting.”

            Bringing over Edaline’s favorite meal bacon wrapped filets and fettuccine alfredo along with two glasses of white wine he sets them down on the table. Edaline rises from her chair making in squeak a third time. Goes to the door and takes off the bright pink heels that have been killing her feet all day. I’ll put them on before I leave. Obviously it will take longer than I wanted, but I really don’t want this to be a big blow out fight. Hopefully this is not a deal breaker for him…I just want my son. “It’s exciting to me. I have a very successful beautiful girlfriend.” And that’s all I’ll ever be won't it? Instead of being a debbie downer she picks up her bent silver fork and slowly begins eating. “Are you still mad about the other day?” he asks.

            “Yes, I am.” She slams down her fork. “Greyson I love you to the moon and back and you know that but-”

            He cuts her off, “Let’s talk about this after dinner please? I spent all afternoon preparing this evening. I even made your favorite cheesecake!” He kisses her on her forehead and headed back into the kitchen to grab it. She doesn’t pick her fork back up she just lets it lay there. Staring at the picture of the three of them that is placed on the wall in front of her she remembers how happy they were when they were all three together. Maybe I should have listened to my parents and stayed in Pullman. Everything would have been easier. We could all be together and maybe we would not be at the breaking point we are not…if only I’d listened…hearing Greyson’s loud obnoxious footsteps coming back into the dining room she is pulled from her thoughts and quickly picks up her fork. She doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t like it. Again her chair squeaks. She takes a deep breathe in hopes that it’ll calm her down. She does not want a big fight. She just wants to get Talan. She just wants them to be happy again…

            Greyson brings her a piece of cheesecake and sets it beside her. She continues eating her steak and does not even glance at him. “Edaline?” She glances over at Greyson and the cheesecake, after looking at it multiple times and at him she cups her hands around her mouth and tears well in her eyes. A ring sits on top of the cheesecake and here is Greyson on one knee. 

Story 2

I dilly dallied around a bit not wanting to know the results, but at the same time I did. A few minutes later I emerged. With tears in my eyes I looked at Annabeth. She gave me the biggest hug squeezing me until I felt like I was going to hurl and told me everything was going to be okay, but I really couldn't see how.

After I got through the initial shock I decided to call Jacoby who I haven’t heard from since the night of the party. I really wanted nothing to do with him anymore but I guess he has the right to know. I had decided in my mind that we were toxic, but now I guess I have to deal with him….

“Hi, uh Jacoby?”

“Can I help you?!!”

Breaking down in tears, “I’m pregnant”

“So, what are the chances it’s mine?”

“Considering you’re the only person I have ever been with. It’s yours.” I sniffled trying to make my voice as clear as possible. How could he say something like this to me?!...but really it was not that big of a surprise.

And then just like that, he hung up. Hung up the phone. Slowly pulling my phone away from my ear. As the tears began welling up in my eyes I just sat there, staring at it.

“Edaline? Hey, hun?” Annabeth said magically appearing beside me with her arms around my shoulders.

“Yeah?” I said

“Are you okay?”

Seriously what kind of question is this? Are you okay? Well, of course I am not okay. I am pregnant my ass hole exboyfriend does not care about me and now I am just a disappointment to my family. My family. How am I going to tell my mom?! Oh. God. I decided to hold my tongue this time. Which honestly was not hard, I did the only thing I could in this moment, because words just are not working for me. I laid into Annabeth’s shoulders and I cried, huge tears, I sobbed.

Annabeth took me home. Walking into the house I could barely look my mother in the eyes. I know the moment I admit to her that I am pregnant all I will ever be is a mistake. She will quit buying me things and I’ll just be thrown to the curb.  I went straight back into my room and began posting the pictures from the night. The last high school dance I will ever attend. Because I was pregnant.

My mind began flowing with thoughts. How could I have let this happen? He was drunk that night not me. I should have been more responsible. Why? Why? Why? I can’t tell my mom. I can’t hurt her like this. I know I will be doing it alone. Jacoby will never grow up. I should have been done with him years ago. And how could he hang up on me like that? He doesn’t care about me. He never did. My dad is going to kill me, he is going to blame himself because he is never home because of his job, and it is not his fault it is mine.

***

A few weeks went by. I was getting along. I isolated myself from everyone and everything, hiding from the shame. The rumors already began flying at school, because of Jacoby I assume, but I neither confirmed nor denied the fact that I was pregnant. I continued in my misery, puking my guts out most of my day, and trying to hide it from my mother…

Sitting in my room looking through my list of undoable homework that should be done in less than half an hour I set it down and lay my head onto my hard, cold pillow. I am never going to complete any of this. I need a nap. I began closing my eyes..

Buzz Buzz

Hey cn we talk My jaw dropped at the sight of this text message.

Why? You made it quite clear you don’t want anything to do with me.

Cuz if this my kid we ned to work thing out Suddenly he cared? But why? As I began to delete all the texts I decided I better not

Fine. I work tonight so pick me up at 9?

K And here we go again. I’m drawn into the games he plays.

***

I walked out of work to see Jacoby’s 1988 brown beaten up Chevy truck in the parking lot. As I attempted to open the door the button would not push in. He opened the door for me and threw the empty Bud cans and Mt. Dew cans to the bed of the truck. The stench of the moldy food and old beer made me gag. I swallowed the vomit that arose in my mouth took a deep breath and got in.

“Are you okay?” he said

Well other than the horrid smell that makes me want to vomit and the fact that I am pregnant with your child and going to die when I tell my parents I’m fantastic. “Yeah.”

“So, is it mine?”

“Yes” Why do you keep asking me this! We have been together for three years and not once have I lied to you. And for heaven’s sake why would I lie about this? You're not exactly a prize catch.

Looking at me with bloodshot eyes, “What are we going to do?”

We? “Is there even a we?”

“If it is mine there is a we. I don’t want to be my father.” shifting uncomfortably in his seat he looks longingly out his window. Remembering the incident with his dad and how much he hates talking about it. I decided to take a different approach with this situation.

Placing my hand on his knee I said, “The baby is yours. You don’t have to be your father if you don’t want to”

“So what are we going to do?!” Jacoby hated repeating himself

“Well, I have to tell my parents if I want an abortion. If I have to tell them I might as well carry to term. Which leaves adoption or...keeping it”

“We can’t keep it”

“Why?” I want to keep the baby. I want us to be a family.

“Cuz we can’t do it together”

“Why not? I bet we could..”

“No Edaline”

“Jacoby..”

“What do you want? Us to get married and be a family? At 17 and 20. That’ll never happen.”

It could happen if you wanted it to. Yes that is what I want. “No..can we just start over? You and I?

“Start over when you're pregnant.” Laughing “Yeah, let’s just start over when you’re pregnant”

Not wanting this to escalate I quickly changed the subject. “I’m hungry. Can we go get food? Or let me go so I can go get food?”

“What do you want?”

With the sweetest smile I have I said “Taco Bell?”

“I meant do you want to go by yourself or with me”

“I would like to go with you….but if you don’t want to I can go by myself”

He started the truck and made his way to Taco Bell. I kept my hands in my lap. I didn’t want to accidently touch something and anger him. He lit a cigarette. I had to roll down my window. I kept my eyes fixed on the road.

“Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?”

“Variety Pack”

“Can I get nachos?” I said sheepishly. I turned my head to look out my window. I forgot how I always have to ask for permission for everything.

“I guess. And a Nacho’s Bell Grande” he said

“That’ll be $12.69”

“Jesus you’re expensive” looking over at me he gave me ‘the look’.

“I can pay. Here” I handed him my card.

Giving me his look I put it away. He handed me my nachos and we sat in silence and ate.

It seemed like hours had gone by as we sat there in complete stillness. Finally he broke the peaceful quietness on the drive back to my car. “When are you going to tell your parents?”

Taken aback I just stared at him. After what seemed like an eternity I said, “I don’t know”

“Let’s tell them tomorrow.” I just stared at him, “I’ll be over when I get off of work”

As I got out of his truck I unlocked my car and proceeded to get in. “Hey don’t I get a hug?” I turned around to see Jacoby behind me

“Oh, uh yeah.” Taken aback I gave Jacoby a light hug “Really? This is the worst hug you have ever given me” he said

“Sorry” He grasped me tighter. I felt like I might vomit. He kissed me on my cheek.

“I’ll text you.” Jacoby said winking at me he got back in his truck and drove off.

I got in my car, laid my head on my steering wheel. And cried.

***

When Jacoby came over the next day he came relatively early. I say early because I was far from being ready for him. I had just gotten out of the shower when the doorbell rang. Unimpressed in how I was not ready for him he decided to harass me and play ‘pity party’ like he always seems to do when coming over to my house. He and my parents do not get along, not even a little bit, but they have good reason for not liking him. He always seems to break my heart and I will always be my parents’ miracle baby that they do not want to get hurt. Unfortunately today I will go from miracle baby to fuck up baby. And of course right as my mom came home Jacoby felt the need to start with his cocky attitude.

“Hello Susanne” said Jacoby

“Edaline? Can I see you in the kitchen?” She said “Why is he here?” she scolded

“When is Dad getting off? We need to talk to you guys” I said my eyes filling with tears. Instantly my mom knew what was going on.

“Oh my God Edaline” She rushed back to her bedroom with tears in her eyes. Dialing my Dad’s number. I sat down on the cold tile floor of my kitchen and cried.

“Why?! Are you crying?” Jacoby annoyed

“Because” I said turning away from him

It felt like it had been decades of sitting in muteness before my Dad finally arrived home. The minute he got through the door I could see the anger burning through his eyes. He rushed   straight over to Jacoby grabbing his shirt “You son of a bitch I thought I told you to stay away from my daughter?!” This was a side of my father I had never seen before. Fidgeting with a string on my shirt I tried to find a way to hide in the room, not wanting his anger to be taken out on me. Though I knew it would, I still didn’t want to change from “Daddy’s little girl”. 

“Well hello Kristopher” Jacoby said with a smile on his face.

“Dad.” I said in tears. “let him go.”

My Dad released his grasp from Jacoby walked into the living room he grabbed out TV remote and turned off the TV. “Jacoby. Come enlighten me on why you are on my property.”

The last time my Dad and Jacoby were in the same room was after my Dad found a bruise on my wrist that he suspected was from him. Though we both denied it he still hounds me about where it came from. My Mom had joined him in the living room.

“Dad. Mom. I’m. Pregnant.” I said

Falling lifelessly to the floor everything went black.

***

I woke in a hospital room hooked up to all sorts of heart monitors to both my chest and my stomach. My Dad sat on one side of my bed and Jacoby on the other. I sat up looking around. How did I get here? Ouch. I had enormous pain in my head and my abdomen.

“Wh-ha-at hap-pen-end?” I stuttered. Jacoby got up and left the room. “Dad?”

“You fainted. I’ll go get your mother.” He said

Being alone in the dark room was terrifying. The curtains were drawn. The lights were turned on low. I was hooked up to all kinds of machines. And on the table beside me sat ultrasound pictures..and a due date of May 31st. On a paper was written 10 weeks pregnant. Dehydrated. Appears to be starving herself.  The door creaked open and in came my mom.

“How are you feeling?” She said

“My head and stomach hurts.”

“The doctors say you're under a lot of stress. You’re not drinking or eating enough. Which is why you fainted.”

“Oh…”

“What are you guys planning on doing?” My mom said turning around to face the wall. I knew she was crying.

“I don’t know” I said softly “Can I be honest with you?”

“Please”

“I know Jacoby doesn’t want us. But, I do. I want to do this. Even if it is by….myself” I looked down at the IV that was inserted into my hand…not knowing if that was the right answer for my mom or not. I know it was how I felt. And I know she is the only one I can say this too.

“You’re 17”

“I know….”

That was the end of that conversation. My mom walked out to get my release papers so we could go home.

***

The next week my parents and I went to my high school to figure out a plan. We decided that I would be graduating in December so I don’t have to endure the high school drama and being pregnant. I would then go to the local Community College. I had promised my parents that I would not focus on Jacoby being around and I would make my own decision through the next months of what I wanted to do with the baby. In return my parents would help and support any decision I made. Jacoby’s good behavior didn’t last long and as we began to wear on each other's nerves our fights began escalating again.

             

***

            A couple nights before Thanksgiving Jacoby decided he would be going out with some friends. I knew he was planning on getting plastered so I stayed home to work on all the homework I had so I could graduate mid-term.

            Have fun tonight babe. Text me if you need a ride. I sent Jacoby in a text. I hate him going to parties. He always ends up sleeping with some tall blonde gorgeous whore and leaving me. Again. Or he brings something home. Hopefully tonight he will be different. Hopefully.

Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz

            “Hello?” I said groggily considering it’s 2 am

            “IIIIam n myway III wannnnacuddlle” Jacoby said with his words slurring together

            “Do you need me to come get you?” I sat straight up in bed. I hate when he drinks and drives.

            “NOOOO Ibe finee”

            “Keep talking to me.”

            “I’mona curbI needa drive bethere soon.” And he hung up

            I jumped out of bed told my parents he was on his way over. They groggily said okay and went and sat on my front step waiting, hoping he would show up. Alive.

            Why does he have to do this all the time? Why does he have to put his life at risk? Why can’t he get help? He needs to go to counseling with me. He needs to work through the pain his dad put him through otherwise he will put our baby through the same thing. I want us to work. But I hate him drinking..

            Twenty minutes later he drove up. Surprisingly well he drove up and parked across the street. Opening up his door he stumbled out of his truck and towards my house, I ran over to him as quickly as I could grabbing his waist and put one of his arms around my shoulder. Slowly, as he stumbled we made our way inside. Falling against walls and mumbling things I couldn’t understand I finally got him into my bed. Laying down beside him he grabbed and pulled me closer and whispered in my ear “Youregetting tome” I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. His breath reeked of alcohol and it made me nauseous. “Shhh” I whispered back but he had already passed out. I closed my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. But in closing my eyes it just pushed the tears further till they fell in Jacoby’s curly mess of greasy, party reeking, blonde hair.

***

            It was the day after Thanksgiving. I had spent the holiday with Jacoby and his family which was a first for us. I was excited, maybe, just maybe we were working this family thing out. Since it was Black Friday I had to work at Brooks Online Fulfillment Warehouse that afternoon to help fill and get our customers’ orders out the door. As my six hour shift came to an end. I realized that my lower back throbbed, my feet throbbed, I was sore from a long day’s work. All I wanted to do was have Jacoby over so we could cuddle and watch a movie.

            “Hello”  Jacoby said answering his phone

            “Hey babe! What are you doing tonight?”

            “Having fun with the guys”

            “Oh..could you come over and hang out with me for a little bit?”

            “No we are heading to the strippers. I want to have fun tonight.”

            With this comment my emotions fumed. He couldn’t leave for an hour to spend time with his pregnant girlfriend who had just worked a job that she shouldn’t be doing. Are we that unimportant to him?

            “Well, call your girlfriend when you decide you have time for her.” I said and hung up on him. I am only important to him when it involves a place to crash or a piece of ass. Well, if he is going out to the strippers to have these girls with nothing on dance all over him I will go out with one of my friends that HE hates.

            “Hey Edaline! How’s it going?” Aiden said excitedly

            “Wanna grab dinner tonight? I’m feeling lonely”

            “Sure I’d love to take my favorite girl out! What about Jacoby?”
            “Don’t worry about him.” For once in my life I am NOT going to ask him if I can go out to dinner with my best friend.

            “Okay! I’ll pick you up in about half an hour?”

            “Sounds perfect!”  I said hanging up.

             That night I never breathed a word to Aiden about Jacoby’s comment or the fact that I had a voicemail from him. We went to enjoy some Applebee’s which was the only thing open at 10 o’clock at night. For starters out waitress wore a bright pink flower headband that seemed to engulf her whole head. I laughed till my stomach hurt when Aiden mentioned this statement to me. My favorite person was this guy across the room from us that was way too enthralled with some replay of a football game, leaving his girlfriend awkward and unattended to. The funniest part was when he noticed she had left. And towards to end of the night a Jacobylookalike came in and sat at the bar, he balled the whole time about a “Charlotte”. Finally we had to leave because both of our stomachs hurt way too much to sit in our booth any longer. To repair our abs we drove around in his 2011 blue Ford lifted truck, and boy did it feel good to be back in this beast. When he dropped me back off at my house, I was disappointed. I didn’t want this night to end but I knew it had to. He gave me a hug and told me to “take care”, I dilly dallied my way into the house. Looking at my phone I realized that I still had not listened to that voicemail, I typed in my voicemail code and deleted it. I had fun with Aiden tonight. And I had fun not having to ask permission to go out with my best friend. The only friend that still cared to be my friend even though I was pregnant.

            ***

            Despite his calls and texts I chose to ignore him until early Sunday morning, mentally all day Saturday I ran through reasons why I was ignoring him but I couldn’t place it.  When I called him I had figured out why I was ignoring him..and I wanted him to know as well..

“Finally you answer me!” Jacoby screamed at me

            “If you don’t have time for me why should I talk to you?” I said glancing at myself in the mirror, instantly I looked down at my bed sheet and began picking at the stitching.

“Because I am the father of this baby” he screamed at me a little louder

“But you don’t have time for me. Is that suddenly going to change in May when I have the baby?” I said keeping calm and placing my hand on my belly

“Who said we are keeping it?” he said with an arrogant tone of voice

“I did.” I said with a matter-of-fact tone

“I don’t agree.” he said with a tone like he is the king of me and my child

“I don’t care.” I said suddenly. I sat up on my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Suddenly looking myself up and down I realized. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. I have no makeup on but I still look beautiful. I am twenty pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life but I still see that cute hourglass shape that everyone always comments about. And in the center of my belly was a nice round bump that looked kinda like a mini dog ball was underneath my shirt. I began rubbing my hand on my baby bump and said “I don’t care what you think or what you do. Jacoby, you are not going to treat MY baby the way you treat me. Alcohol is way more important to you than I ever am or was.  Your father changed you when he tried to kill you. But that was THREE years ago it’s time to grow a pair of balls and grow up. You have two choices. Alcohol or your family.”

“I am not going to quit drinking” he said in a voice that made me sound like I was crazy. At this point I felt like a knife had gone through my stomach cutting me in half. How can he not care about me or this child? He has made it quite clear that the only thing important in his life is alcohol not me and certainly not this baby.

“Then you can say goodbye to your child. You can say goodbye to me. You will NEVER find us.” I’ve had enough. I’m done being treated like a piece of trash thrown in a dumpster.

“Your dad will tell me”

“Try him. I guarantee you he won’t. When has he ever liked you?” Tears begin welling up in my eyes, not because I’m sad but because I have just plain had enough. I grabbed a tissue to quickly blot the tears.

“I am still this baby's father” You are nothing but a sperm donor.

“Being a father entails you will be there. You are not here and you just said that alcohol is more important. Have a good life.” And which a click I hung up on  him. With my heart pumping I grabbed my pillow and my favorite quilted blanket and slept on the floor that night. Considering the fact that my bed is right by the window, I didn’t want to take the chance. I will never underestimate Jacoby’s abilities to reach me. But this time, I will take action.

***

Two weeks had gone by. That was it. And already I was getting text messages asking me to take him back. In those texts he was professing that he was a ‘changed man’ and everything would be ‘better’. I decided that I wanted some ‘girl time’ and found Maccyn at school the next day. Jacoby had made me believe that I had pushed them away because of all the drama with being pregnant and Jacoby. But after talking to Maccyn about Jacoby I felt a bit different about our friendship. I felt like I was no longer good enough for her because I can’t go out and drink or do drugs with her. I was beginning to feel like she was no longer my friend but rather someone that used to be….

***

Despite the warnings from everyone I sent that invite out and on the day of my Graduation party I paced back and forth not really focusing on any guest (which only family had cared to make their presence), neither Annabeth nor Maccyn came. This confirmed my theory. They only wanted me for the alcohol and drugs…Wow, what friends I had..

Crreeaaakkk I hear the opening of the front door and in walks Jacoby, his brother Dallon, his sister Charnell, his brothers girlfriend Sabrina-she is also pregnant and due a day after me, and his mother Kaelyn. I take a swift breathe in and slowly make my way to greet them.

“Hi guys thanks for coming!” I sighed as I hug each and every one of them.

“Congratulations future daughter in law!” Kaelyn exclaimed. Future daughter in law! Say what?! I never agreed to this contract!

Looking puzzled I glance at Jacoby who is staring at the floor. “We are not engaged.” I said matter-of-factly, crossing my arms.

“Oh well Jacoby told me…-”

Cutting her off I decided to correct the misunderstanding “Jacoby and I are not engaged see,” I put my hand on hers to show her there is no ring, “we are not even a couple.” He chose alcohol over me and you won’t make him grow a pair.  I thought but wisely did not add.

Looking at Jacoby with her stink eye she simply said “Oh” and that was the end of that conversation.

Nothing more was said to me from anyone, but right before they all left Jacoby must have felt the need to make his feelings known.

“I really want us to work on us” He said looking like he had just been shot.

“If you do remember. We did try working on us and us didn’t work. Again”

“Please” he said cupping my face in his hands and kissing me “I’ll try harder this time.” he whispered in my ear. He headed to the door in that instant, not giving me a chance to say anything.

That night I went to bed thinking about his words, and wondering if he really wanted us to work this time. Maybe I should give it another shot. As I rubbed my everyday growing baby bump I thought that maybe the sight of this bump made him change his tune about us. Despite the fact that everyone is warning me against him I might try it again, because this is my life and my baby’s not there’s. Buzz Buzz

Goodnight beautiful

With that I laid my head down on my cold pillow and closed my eyes with a smile on my face.

***

Days, weeks, months went by and we were our typical on again off again couple. We had our usual arguments about his drinking and my “immature thinking that we can care for this child” but each and every time his words found his way back into my heart, and back into my mind.

In January we found out we were having a healthy little boy, I was ecstatic, he not so much. His talk of adoption rose to a peak. He constantly told me that I couldn’t do it alone, and we couldn’t do it together. But despite him telling me I couldn’t my parents and my mind told me I could.

I also started attending my first college classes through this I began meeting new people and creating new alliances. My classes, gave me a new light on my situation. As I learned more and broadened my horizons he continued to drink and keep his the same. I gained a lot of interest in my Human Development class, learning and confirming my thoughts that he needs more help than I can give him. This also confirmed in my mind that my baby boy will not go into foster care. I will raise him with or without his...sperm donor.

***

On one crisp February morning, Washington experienced one of their usual dumping’s of snow and as a result everywhere was shut down, everywhere but my Dad’s store. My parents and I loaded up into my Dad’s truck and made our way out into the fluffy snow to pick up his employees that could not make it through the snow. As we made it down the highway I saw the drifts as tall as mountains, some may have been actual mountains. It looked as innocent as a young child, and begged to be played with.

“Isn’t that Jacoby’s truck?” my Dad said.

“Yes”

“And someone is with him?” my mom questioned

“There is?” Sure enough there was a girl sitting right beside him with hair that was the color of the beach. Instantly I recognized her. “Abril” I said not loud enough for my parents to hear. Abril and I never got along. She always wanted everything I had, boyfriends, material things and especially my friends. She never succeeded in getting any of them, until now...

That night I got on to Facebook through my Mom’s account. I went to Jacoby’s page and found tons of posts from Abril and that they have been spending a lot of time together. All of this information I was blocked from. He had been leading a double life and leaving me out of it. I was suddenly the ‘baby mama’ the ‘other women’. How could I have been so stupid!??

I decided to focus on something else, homework. I had never been fond of school until I got into college and I love every second of it. I began working on my extra credit for my Human Development class which was over abuse and the signs of it. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.  Suddenly it all made sense. Every reckless act he has ever done was abuse…Closing my book I fell, hard against my wall..he was trying to get me to miscarry…

On one Sunday afternoon we were making the country way to his house for a “family” dinner. This way had tons of small short hills, it was also a gravel road. Jacoby was not being very careful and was driving 75 on the road. Going airborne and slamming his truck to the ground after the hills. Consequently even though I was only a couple months pregnant I still felt like this baby was going to come out of my throat. I held my stomach for fear that the baby wouldn’t be the only thing coming up…

“What is that sound?” I said after the largest airborne incident. This one hurt the worst. I was seconds away from pucking up this child but I knew if I did it would cause a huge fight.

            “I don’t know” Jacoby said slowing down a bit. He stopped the truck and got out to look. “God Damnit!” He said kicking his truck and making it rock “Looks like we are going to have to limp it the rest of the way Edaline! I fucking blew a god damn tire!” Hopefully you didn’t blow this baby too… But, I know anything I say to him will only make him mad. Because I don’t know anything. I am just a ‘girl’. My stomach hurts so bad. I am really going to vomit. Breathe Edaline Breathe..

I sat up, opened my book rereading what I had just read just to be sure I comprehended it correctly. Like a brick wall it hit me. He is not playing games. He is abusing me. He is doing exactly what his father did to him for seventeen years. He is addicted to abusing and using me and he will do the same to my baby boy, who didn’t ask to be brought into this situation. I need out. With this epiphany I went to my room and found the tote of all of the things Jacoby had given me over the years. I proceeded outside and put each and every item in the trash can. Going back into my house I got on my Facebook page and posted a simple, to the point status.  Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.  :) <3 A minute later my phone rang. I ignored the call that I knew would come. It was Jacoby, calling to probably bitch me out or question me or just be the guy he is. But this time, I didn’t answer. Because this time, I am stronger. Because this time, it’s not all about me. Because this time, I am me.