Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Someday, maybe in this life
you'll realize what you've done
maybe not emotionally
but socially you have ruined me.

Someday, the effects of your confusing actions
will come crashing into your life
you will realize the pain of your actions on us all.

Someday, somewhere, somehow,
things will change. I can see it now.
Me walking arm & arm, hand in hand
with him, who should have been you

and you in the distance
wishing you were my happy ending.

So, now you realize
that cheating was indeed the
worst mistake of your life.

Ten years later, I do,
but why are you still around
sitting in the first pew
looking at me with those eyes
that once upon a time I cried over.

But, today he's all I want, all I need
now have you realized yet that this could
have been you?

But you cheated, my love
for your baby blue eyes have
not faded nor deceased but rather
has changed to pity

of what could have been.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Seconds Hand

The day goes by
the hours pass
the irritating ticking of the
seconds hand reminds me
of the time pass
good or bad
it goes unknown.

People pass but
don't offer a glance
all to worried of their
own seconds hand.

To many things to accomplish
each and everyone
worried of their own
seconds hand.

Sometimes, most times
we can't drown out out
seconds hand
tick, tick, ticking away.

Next time you focus on
your seconds hand
tune it out
tell it to go away
do whatever to move
your focus from the
seconds hand to
the life passing.
Enjoy the life passing.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Becoming a Teen Parent Ch 1



As Edaline rose to the stage to give her speech she was particularly nervous and she was not sure why. Maybe, because she was around her hometown and there was a slight chance that someone from her past would be there and would recognize her. She was so proud of herself for escaping this state and all the people in it. As she stepped up to the podium and looked out upon a group of high school students that she could tell everyone of them were glad to be there but only because it relieved them from their studies. No one really cared about why she was there, but she did. She hoped to touch the lives of at least a few people in her travels. Edaline had recently started starting a blog after she finally became comfortable with telling people her story. Her story was not one that you particularly hear. It is a success story. A story that she is proud to share. She took a deep sigh and began...
“As the rest of my graduating classmates are starting their sophomore year of college. I’m starting my junior year. As the rest of my graduating classmates are enjoying their freedom. I am constrained. As the rest of my graduating classmates are out at parties till all hours of the night. I am enjoying my time at home with my family.” Edaline said.
            “In high school I was a lot like all of you. I went to parties, I didn’t care about my studies, and...” looking particularly at the girls, “...I cared a lot more about a boy than I should have. But without this one boy I would never be standing before you today. I would have never made it out of my senior year. Without the events of my senior year of high school I never would have been able to make something of myself. But, to understand the extent of the danger I put myself in we have to start from the beginning...”
            August 26, 2012 was when the downhill slide began.
            “Hey Edaline!” Maccyn shouted.
            “Hey! Whose Cubcat time are you in?” Our high school is weird and calls our homeroom time, Cubcat time.
            “Mr. Fineburg’s,” she said making a very prominent frowning face.
            “Oh my god! Me too!”
            “Yay! Did Jerrick take you home last night? I left pretty early.”
            “Yeah, then we had a fight. He was all drunk and stuff. I don’t think it’ll last much longer. Did you hear from Jacoby?”
            “No, but I bet I will. His birthday party is in a couple weeks. Should we crash it?” I said with a sly smile on my face. Jacoby was my on and off boyfriend for all of high school and he was turning 20 in a couple of weeks. Though we were not technically together at this moment I still wanted to show up at that party.
            We proceeded into our Cubcat time and sat down with a plump in our chairs.


            The first week of school went by in a flash considering we only had two days. As the weekend approached so did the discussion of how the weekend would go and what parties we would attend.
            “I really would like to go to the first game. What is the theme? Togas?” said Annabeth.
            “Yeah I think it is, let’s go to the game then out to Malster’s pre 20th party.” said Maccyn.
            “Why? So, we can all get drunk and then once again I get back together with him?” I said
            “No. So, he can see how awesome you are doing without him. Besides I doubt you will even see him. It’ll be packed.” said Annabeth.
            “Fine. Meet at my house at 6 to get ready?”
            “Sounds good!” both the girls said in unison.
            I really was not up to going to Jacoby’s party. He’s been texting me consistently the last few days and to the best of my ability I was ignoring him, going out there would just end badly. But, maybe Annabeth and Maccyn are right, maybe him seeing me looking super sexy would make him realize how much he missed me and then maybe everything would work out for us.


Upon arrival Annabeth’s arrival at my house, Maccyn was doing my long brown hair up into a twisted pony. “Do you guys really think I look okay?” I asked
“Of course you do! Now after the game we can just take off the sheets and head out to Jacoby’s” said Annabeth.
I was dressed in my black skinny jeans that fit every curve of my legs perfectly, my shirt was a very loose bright pink v neck that plunged to my belly button, under that I had a black sparkle tank top. I looked perfect. For once.
“Okay good. I really want to make his jaw drop when I walk in.”
“Are you almost ready!?” Maccyn impatiently said while looking at her phone to check the time.
“Yeah, let me just pack my purse”
“Don’t forget your fake ID!” they said in unison.
I always do seem to forget that. I pulled out my hot pink cross body purse, that was as big as a tote bag and began to fill it with my foundation, powder, lip gloss, mascara (both regular and waterproof), and eye liner, just in case my night took a turn for the worse. Then at least I could walk down a deserted gravel road looking perfect. I also decided to sneak some tissues, a flashlight and an extra shirt in the bottom of my bag just in case. I then threw in $20 and left my card in my mug that way when that money is gone it’s gone. Maccyn then coughed. “I’m almost ready!” I said. I threw in my cell phone, Ipod, a change of shoes, my flask, and driver’s license, my fake ID for buying alcohol, and my car keys even though I was not driving. I zipped it up quickly and ran out of my room not realizing that Maccyn and Annabeth were already in my kitchen waiting on me.
“Okay, I’m ready. Bye Mom! I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home” I shouted
“Thanks hun” she replied
As we jumped into Annabell’s truck I grab the USB cord for the stereo and cranked up the music to the LMFAO song “Sexy and I Know It”. We arrived at the game and participated in all the usual chants and activities that our school held during football games.
“Hey! I said do you want food?!” Maccyn shouted at me.
“Yeah, grab me Snickers.”
“Finally you answer me! I only asked you like ten times! What is the matter with you?”
            “Nothing, I was….just enjoying the band.”
Maccyn and Annabell laughed at me. They knew something was wrong but they didn’t want to ask, because they didn’t want to ruin the night. That is what I was worried about: ruining the night.


As the game came to an end. We made our way back to Annabell’s truck to remove our ‘togas’ and head out to Jacoby’s party. I threw off my flip flops and pulled out the boots I knew would complete this outfit perfectly.
“Let’s stop and get gas and some Dew. They should have plenty of alcohol out there” Annabell said.
While looking at my phone I responded “Or maybe we could go to Jerrick’s party..?”
“Why? Did he text you?” Maccyn said
“No, but I’m sure he is having a party he always does on Friday nights.”
“Okay, really why do you not want to go to Jacoby’s?” said Annabeth
“Because we all know how it’s going to end up.”
“No we all don’t so please share”
“It’s going to end up with me seeing him with another girl and leaving the party, leaving me to have to walk home.”
“I promise if he is there with some other girl I will bring you home before I start drinking.” Looking at me with sympathy
“Okay” I said with a deep sigh
So, that was that and we headed out to Jacoby’s party.


After a short half an hour in the car we arrived at Jacoby’s house to find the driveway and the street lined with cars, bumper to bumper. Yeah, this is totally not obvious. All these cars are totally not going to attract any attention whatsoever. I grabbed my purse just in case it would be needed. Slowly I got out of Annabell’s truck and made my way into Jacoby’s house. I was terrified of what I knew was to come.
“Hey ladies!” said Declan
“Hey!” we replied.
“Long time no see” said Claire
“You guys look cute tonight!” Alice said as the four of us snapped a quick picture
The farther into the house we made it the more of his friends I saw, but I didn’t see him.
“Hey Aiden!” I said losing track of where Maccyn and Annabeth went.
“Hey Edaline! Didn’t expect to see you here? You guys together”
Smiling I said “No, just decided to come crash it” Aiden and Jacoby never really got along. They both Aiden has had a crush on me since before pre-k but Jacoby was always the one to steal my heart, but maybe not this time. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh you know free beer” Holding up his drink
“Yeah, I better go find myself some of that” Laughing
“I’ll join you.”
“Okay.” I knew he was following me just in case I ran into Jacoby. He was always the guy to save me from the drama. I just hoped this meant that he hadn’t already seen him with some other girl.
Aiden and I made our way into the kitchen to find all sorts of alcohol. Jacoby’s mom always purchased tons of it for these parties. I grabbed a Mike’s and we headed outside.
“It’s so nice out tonight” I said leaning against the edge of the deck.
“I love coming out here it is always so clear” he said looking up at the sky.
“Yeah, that is one thing I miss, being able to just lay and stare at the sky” As I began to look at the sky my eyes meet his, and he proceeded to make his way to us. Great, now here comes the moment where I get yelled at for showing up to this party uninvited and for not answering his slew of texts from the past weeks. I start looking frantically around for Maccyn and Annabeth or some kind of escape route. As I began to walk away towards another crowd I heard his sweet voice say my name and in that very instant Aiden vanished like a ghost.
“Edaline?” Jacoby said
Turning around I replied “Yeah?”
“I didn’t expect to see you here”
“Me either. Annabeth and Maccyn wanted to come. I just tagged along.”
“Well good. Then we can talk. Since you won’t answer my texts”
I won’t answer your texts for a reason. I am over you. Done. I thought. “I didn’t know you texted me,” looking at my phone, “I guess my phone didn’t receive them.”
“Oh.” He looked at his phone to make sure he actually sent them, “well, before you leave can we talk?”
“Yeah, of course.” Oh god this was not going to end the way I planned but it was going the way I hoped...I think.
“Good,” he said smiling, grabbing my hand “Well let’s go enjoy this party!”
I went with him not knowing what to think or how to feel. I should be done with our yo-yo dating. It was not fun for me. But, a part of me did not want to be done with it. A part of me didn’t want to be done with him.


The rest of the night was a blast, more fun than I can remember any of his parties being. We all stood around the beer pong table taking turns playing. Jacoby and I were kicked out of playing, because we always won, and we enjoyed winning, together. The end of the night came far too soon and as Maccyn and Annabeth told me they were ready to leave I was toying with the idea of staying, but I did not know if Jacoby would want me to. All night we had acted like we always did when we were together, laughing and joking and just having fun in each other’s company.
I met eyes with Jacoby and he whispered to me, his breath smelling of beer “Why don’t you stay. We haven’t had a chance to talk yet.” So, that was that. I was staying.
Walking over to Annabeth and Maccyn, I told them I was going to stay here tonight blaming it on the fact that I was far too drunk to go home. As smiles crossed their faces they both knew this was a lie. But, neither of them were going to argue with me. Of course they wanted us to be back together. Neither of them knew how bad we actually are together. All they knew is they get free alcohol. I turned around to go back to Jacoby’s side and met eyes with Aiden who had overheard everything, he even know how big of a lie I had just told. I was not even tipsy.
This night had not gone how I thought it would go, and it definitely did not end the way I expected either. It ended even worse than it should have.


I woke up the next morning next to Jacoby in his bed, and I snuck out of bed trying very hard not to wake him up. I did not want to have that awkward morning after conversation. I found his mom cleaning up last night’s mess and a bunch of his friends lying around on the floor, in their clothes from last night. Some had vomit puddles beside them and others just looked pale. I asked her to take me home and doing the worst walk of shame ever, she gave me a ride.  


When I walked through the door I saw my mom lying on the couch as a rush of guilt washed over me I realized I forgot to tell her that I was not coming home. She woke up the minute I closed the door.
“So, where did you end up staying last night?”
“Jacoby’s”
A look like she had just eaten a lemon washed over her face “So, you guys are back together again?”
“No, I just went with Maccyn and Annabeth to his party,” looking at the TV,
“they had drank quite a bit so we all decided to stay there.”
“How hung over are you?”
“Not at all, I didn’t drink” that was the worst lie ever she knew I drank with Jacoby.
“Well, I hope that you don’t get back together with that trouble maker. He is not good for you. You need to go to college and do something with your life. He is…”
I’d heard this speech to many times to count. Cutting her off “...yes mom I know. I am going back to my room to do some homework.”
When I got back to my room I removed all the items from my purse that I realized I didn’t need last night. Unfortunately something else had happened. Burying my face in my pillow I laid there and cried. I should really figure out what I want in life. My mom was right I needed to let this trouble maker go and do something with my life.


Over the next few weeks I heard nothing from Jacoby and as homecoming was rolling around I was asked by Aiden. I accepted the invite. My mom was more than excited that I was going with him and not ‘the boy that no longer needed a name in our household’. We traveled to a nearby town to get my dress and when we bought it, the dress hugged me in all the right places. She was going all out for this dance not only was it my last homecoming ever but she thought “love was in the air” since I was going with Aiden. Really it was not.


As the day of homecoming approached I started not feeling like myself. I was feeling very sick early in the morning and started eating a ton of food. I blamed it on all the stress I thought I was enduring but in the back of my mind my worst fear was haunting me. I decided to go to lunch with Annabeth the day before to finalize plans for homecoming night and talk to her about my fear.
“I think we need to get a test” she said, “and you should have told me sooner. I thought you were mad at me whenever you said you were “busy” and couldn’t go drink with us”
“I am sorry. I was not sure what to think or who to talk to. But what if I am just dramatizing? My mind is playing tricks on me it does that a lot.”
“You are late we are getting a test tomorrow night after the dance”
“Better be after Aiden drops me off at your house. We will change and everything there. Mom wants pictures at the park and she will cook dinner.”
“Of course, just tell him you are staying with me. I’ll take you home afterwards”


The day had finally arrived. Homecoming was here. That morning I went to get my hair and makeup done. Then took my dress over to Annabeth’s where I would get ready.
“Can you zip me please?”
“Yeah...was this zipper always this tight?!” she said
“....No...”
“Good thing we will find out the truth tonight.”
That uneasy feeling filled my gut and I pushed it back down calling myself crazy... I brushed all feelings to the side and went on to have the best night of my life; knowing it would probably be the last. As Aiden dropped me back off at Annabeth’s we said our goodnights and I went in to figure out what was really going on with me.
“I have a test,” she said “now go take it”
I dilly dallied around a bit not wanting to know the results, but at the same time I did. A few minutes later I emerged from taking it. With tears in my eyes I looked at Annabeth and exclaimed “It’s positive.” She gave me the biggest hug squeezing me until I felt like I was going to hurl and told me everything was going to be okay, but I really couldn't see how. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I was now 17 and pregnant.
After I got through the initial shock I decided to call Jacoby who I haven’t heard from since the night of the party. I really wanted nothing to do with him anymore but I guess he has the right to know.
“Hi, uh Jacoby?”
“Can I help you” Very rudely he exclaimed
Breaking down in tears I cried “I’m pregnant”
“So, what are the chances it’s mine?”
“Considering you the only person I have ever been with. It’s yours.” I cried. How could he say something like this to me?!
And then just like that he hung up. Hung up the phone. Annabeth took me home that night. As I walked into the house I could barely look my mother in the eyes. I went straight back into my room and began posting the pictures from the night. The last high school dance I will ever attend. Because I was pregnant.
My mind began flowing with thoughts. How could I have let this happen? He was drunk that night not me. I should have been more responsible. Why? Why? Why? I can’t tell my mom. I can’t hurt her like this. I know I will be doing it alone. Jacoby will never grow up. I should have been done with him years ago. And how could he hang up on me like that? He doesn’t care about me. He never did.
“The point of me telling you guys this story is not to praise the fact that drinking is bad and sex will kill you and yada yada yada. No, it’s to explain to you the danger I put myself in. Many teen mothers, stay around their babies father. Not me. I am happily married to a man that is my child’s father but not by blood, he is his father by being around. The point I want you all to take away from my story is the point that no matter what obstacle God puts in your life, you can and will overcome it. I was a teen parent, and I go to college, and work two jobs. I don’t receive child support nor did I ever seen Jacoby ever again after the night he got me pregnant. I do it all by myself.”

After this statement I walked off the stage with my head held high. What I didn’t realize is that Jacoby was sitting in the back of the room, holding a broom. He had just heard everything I said, and I didn’t care.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Bangs and Booms

He left me
with a bang
and a boom
he walked
away.
From me and his
son.
He left.
It’s been a year
and a month.
Since, he left
his son
and me.

But maybe it was
for the better.
That he left
with a bang
and a boom.
Because
I met him
and his is so much
better than the
other ever was
there are no bangs
no booms.

Your son became
his son.
Because you left
with a bang and a boom.

Your bangs
and your booms.
Made me appreciate
this someone new
more than I ever appreciated you.

No more
bangs
No more
booms.
No more you.
Just him.
and
Just love.