Story 2

I dilly dallied around a bit not wanting to know the results, but at the same time I did. A few minutes later I emerged. With tears in my eyes I looked at Annabeth. She gave me the biggest hug squeezing me until I felt like I was going to hurl and told me everything was going to be okay, but I really couldn't see how.

After I got through the initial shock I decided to call Jacoby who I haven’t heard from since the night of the party. I really wanted nothing to do with him anymore but I guess he has the right to know. I had decided in my mind that we were toxic, but now I guess I have to deal with him….

“Hi, uh Jacoby?”

“Can I help you?!!”

Breaking down in tears, “I’m pregnant”

“So, what are the chances it’s mine?”

“Considering you’re the only person I have ever been with. It’s yours.” I sniffled trying to make my voice as clear as possible. How could he say something like this to me?!...but really it was not that big of a surprise.

And then just like that, he hung up. Hung up the phone. Slowly pulling my phone away from my ear. As the tears began welling up in my eyes I just sat there, staring at it.

“Edaline? Hey, hun?” Annabeth said magically appearing beside me with her arms around my shoulders.

“Yeah?” I said

“Are you okay?”

Seriously what kind of question is this? Are you okay? Well, of course I am not okay. I am pregnant my ass hole exboyfriend does not care about me and now I am just a disappointment to my family. My family. How am I going to tell my mom?! Oh. God. I decided to hold my tongue this time. Which honestly was not hard, I did the only thing I could in this moment, because words just are not working for me. I laid into Annabeth’s shoulders and I cried, huge tears, I sobbed.

Annabeth took me home. Walking into the house I could barely look my mother in the eyes. I know the moment I admit to her that I am pregnant all I will ever be is a mistake. She will quit buying me things and I’ll just be thrown to the curb.  I went straight back into my room and began posting the pictures from the night. The last high school dance I will ever attend. Because I was pregnant.

My mind began flowing with thoughts. How could I have let this happen? He was drunk that night not me. I should have been more responsible. Why? Why? Why? I can’t tell my mom. I can’t hurt her like this. I know I will be doing it alone. Jacoby will never grow up. I should have been done with him years ago. And how could he hang up on me like that? He doesn’t care about me. He never did. My dad is going to kill me, he is going to blame himself because he is never home because of his job, and it is not his fault it is mine.

***

A few weeks went by. I was getting along. I isolated myself from everyone and everything, hiding from the shame. The rumors already began flying at school, because of Jacoby I assume, but I neither confirmed nor denied the fact that I was pregnant. I continued in my misery, puking my guts out most of my day, and trying to hide it from my mother…

Sitting in my room looking through my list of undoable homework that should be done in less than half an hour I set it down and lay my head onto my hard, cold pillow. I am never going to complete any of this. I need a nap. I began closing my eyes..

Buzz Buzz

Hey cn we talk My jaw dropped at the sight of this text message.

Why? You made it quite clear you don’t want anything to do with me.

Cuz if this my kid we ned to work thing out Suddenly he cared? But why? As I began to delete all the texts I decided I better not

Fine. I work tonight so pick me up at 9?

K And here we go again. I’m drawn into the games he plays.

***

I walked out of work to see Jacoby’s 1988 brown beaten up Chevy truck in the parking lot. As I attempted to open the door the button would not push in. He opened the door for me and threw the empty Bud cans and Mt. Dew cans to the bed of the truck. The stench of the moldy food and old beer made me gag. I swallowed the vomit that arose in my mouth took a deep breath and got in.

“Are you okay?” he said

Well other than the horrid smell that makes me want to vomit and the fact that I am pregnant with your child and going to die when I tell my parents I’m fantastic. “Yeah.”

“So, is it mine?”

“Yes” Why do you keep asking me this! We have been together for three years and not once have I lied to you. And for heaven’s sake why would I lie about this? You're not exactly a prize catch.

Looking at me with bloodshot eyes, “What are we going to do?”

We? “Is there even a we?”

“If it is mine there is a we. I don’t want to be my father.” shifting uncomfortably in his seat he looks longingly out his window. Remembering the incident with his dad and how much he hates talking about it. I decided to take a different approach with this situation.

Placing my hand on his knee I said, “The baby is yours. You don’t have to be your father if you don’t want to”

“So what are we going to do?!” Jacoby hated repeating himself

“Well, I have to tell my parents if I want an abortion. If I have to tell them I might as well carry to term. Which leaves adoption or...keeping it”

“We can’t keep it”

“Why?” I want to keep the baby. I want us to be a family.

“Cuz we can’t do it together”

“Why not? I bet we could..”

“No Edaline”

“Jacoby..”

“What do you want? Us to get married and be a family? At 17 and 20. That’ll never happen.”

It could happen if you wanted it to. Yes that is what I want. “No..can we just start over? You and I?

“Start over when you're pregnant.” Laughing “Yeah, let’s just start over when you’re pregnant”

Not wanting this to escalate I quickly changed the subject. “I’m hungry. Can we go get food? Or let me go so I can go get food?”

“What do you want?”

With the sweetest smile I have I said “Taco Bell?”

“I meant do you want to go by yourself or with me”

“I would like to go with you….but if you don’t want to I can go by myself”

He started the truck and made his way to Taco Bell. I kept my hands in my lap. I didn’t want to accidently touch something and anger him. He lit a cigarette. I had to roll down my window. I kept my eyes fixed on the road.

“Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?”

“Variety Pack”

“Can I get nachos?” I said sheepishly. I turned my head to look out my window. I forgot how I always have to ask for permission for everything.

“I guess. And a Nacho’s Bell Grande” he said

“That’ll be $12.69”

“Jesus you’re expensive” looking over at me he gave me ‘the look’.

“I can pay. Here” I handed him my card.

Giving me his look I put it away. He handed me my nachos and we sat in silence and ate.

It seemed like hours had gone by as we sat there in complete stillness. Finally he broke the peaceful quietness on the drive back to my car. “When are you going to tell your parents?”

Taken aback I just stared at him. After what seemed like an eternity I said, “I don’t know”

“Let’s tell them tomorrow.” I just stared at him, “I’ll be over when I get off of work”

As I got out of his truck I unlocked my car and proceeded to get in. “Hey don’t I get a hug?” I turned around to see Jacoby behind me

“Oh, uh yeah.” Taken aback I gave Jacoby a light hug “Really? This is the worst hug you have ever given me” he said

“Sorry” He grasped me tighter. I felt like I might vomit. He kissed me on my cheek.

“I’ll text you.” Jacoby said winking at me he got back in his truck and drove off.

I got in my car, laid my head on my steering wheel. And cried.

***

When Jacoby came over the next day he came relatively early. I say early because I was far from being ready for him. I had just gotten out of the shower when the doorbell rang. Unimpressed in how I was not ready for him he decided to harass me and play ‘pity party’ like he always seems to do when coming over to my house. He and my parents do not get along, not even a little bit, but they have good reason for not liking him. He always seems to break my heart and I will always be my parents’ miracle baby that they do not want to get hurt. Unfortunately today I will go from miracle baby to fuck up baby. And of course right as my mom came home Jacoby felt the need to start with his cocky attitude.

“Hello Susanne” said Jacoby

“Edaline? Can I see you in the kitchen?” She said “Why is he here?” she scolded

“When is Dad getting off? We need to talk to you guys” I said my eyes filling with tears. Instantly my mom knew what was going on.

“Oh my God Edaline” She rushed back to her bedroom with tears in her eyes. Dialing my Dad’s number. I sat down on the cold tile floor of my kitchen and cried.

“Why?! Are you crying?” Jacoby annoyed

“Because” I said turning away from him

It felt like it had been decades of sitting in muteness before my Dad finally arrived home. The minute he got through the door I could see the anger burning through his eyes. He rushed   straight over to Jacoby grabbing his shirt “You son of a bitch I thought I told you to stay away from my daughter?!” This was a side of my father I had never seen before. Fidgeting with a string on my shirt I tried to find a way to hide in the room, not wanting his anger to be taken out on me. Though I knew it would, I still didn’t want to change from “Daddy’s little girl”. 

“Well hello Kristopher” Jacoby said with a smile on his face.

“Dad.” I said in tears. “let him go.”

My Dad released his grasp from Jacoby walked into the living room he grabbed out TV remote and turned off the TV. “Jacoby. Come enlighten me on why you are on my property.”

The last time my Dad and Jacoby were in the same room was after my Dad found a bruise on my wrist that he suspected was from him. Though we both denied it he still hounds me about where it came from. My Mom had joined him in the living room.

“Dad. Mom. I’m. Pregnant.” I said

Falling lifelessly to the floor everything went black.

***

I woke in a hospital room hooked up to all sorts of heart monitors to both my chest and my stomach. My Dad sat on one side of my bed and Jacoby on the other. I sat up looking around. How did I get here? Ouch. I had enormous pain in my head and my abdomen.

“Wh-ha-at hap-pen-end?” I stuttered. Jacoby got up and left the room. “Dad?”

“You fainted. I’ll go get your mother.” He said

Being alone in the dark room was terrifying. The curtains were drawn. The lights were turned on low. I was hooked up to all kinds of machines. And on the table beside me sat ultrasound pictures..and a due date of May 31st. On a paper was written 10 weeks pregnant. Dehydrated. Appears to be starving herself.  The door creaked open and in came my mom.

“How are you feeling?” She said

“My head and stomach hurts.”

“The doctors say you're under a lot of stress. You’re not drinking or eating enough. Which is why you fainted.”

“Oh…”

“What are you guys planning on doing?” My mom said turning around to face the wall. I knew she was crying.

“I don’t know” I said softly “Can I be honest with you?”

“Please”

“I know Jacoby doesn’t want us. But, I do. I want to do this. Even if it is by….myself” I looked down at the IV that was inserted into my hand…not knowing if that was the right answer for my mom or not. I know it was how I felt. And I know she is the only one I can say this too.

“You’re 17”

“I know….”

That was the end of that conversation. My mom walked out to get my release papers so we could go home.

***

The next week my parents and I went to my high school to figure out a plan. We decided that I would be graduating in December so I don’t have to endure the high school drama and being pregnant. I would then go to the local Community College. I had promised my parents that I would not focus on Jacoby being around and I would make my own decision through the next months of what I wanted to do with the baby. In return my parents would help and support any decision I made. Jacoby’s good behavior didn’t last long and as we began to wear on each other's nerves our fights began escalating again.

             

***

            A couple nights before Thanksgiving Jacoby decided he would be going out with some friends. I knew he was planning on getting plastered so I stayed home to work on all the homework I had so I could graduate mid-term.

            Have fun tonight babe. Text me if you need a ride. I sent Jacoby in a text. I hate him going to parties. He always ends up sleeping with some tall blonde gorgeous whore and leaving me. Again. Or he brings something home. Hopefully tonight he will be different. Hopefully.

Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz

            “Hello?” I said groggily considering it’s 2 am

            “IIIIam n myway III wannnnacuddlle” Jacoby said with his words slurring together

            “Do you need me to come get you?” I sat straight up in bed. I hate when he drinks and drives.

            “NOOOO Ibe finee”

            “Keep talking to me.”

            “I’mona curbI needa drive bethere soon.” And he hung up

            I jumped out of bed told my parents he was on his way over. They groggily said okay and went and sat on my front step waiting, hoping he would show up. Alive.

            Why does he have to do this all the time? Why does he have to put his life at risk? Why can’t he get help? He needs to go to counseling with me. He needs to work through the pain his dad put him through otherwise he will put our baby through the same thing. I want us to work. But I hate him drinking..

            Twenty minutes later he drove up. Surprisingly well he drove up and parked across the street. Opening up his door he stumbled out of his truck and towards my house, I ran over to him as quickly as I could grabbing his waist and put one of his arms around my shoulder. Slowly, as he stumbled we made our way inside. Falling against walls and mumbling things I couldn’t understand I finally got him into my bed. Laying down beside him he grabbed and pulled me closer and whispered in my ear “Youregetting tome” I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. His breath reeked of alcohol and it made me nauseous. “Shhh” I whispered back but he had already passed out. I closed my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. But in closing my eyes it just pushed the tears further till they fell in Jacoby’s curly mess of greasy, party reeking, blonde hair.

***

            It was the day after Thanksgiving. I had spent the holiday with Jacoby and his family which was a first for us. I was excited, maybe, just maybe we were working this family thing out. Since it was Black Friday I had to work at Brooks Online Fulfillment Warehouse that afternoon to help fill and get our customers’ orders out the door. As my six hour shift came to an end. I realized that my lower back throbbed, my feet throbbed, I was sore from a long day’s work. All I wanted to do was have Jacoby over so we could cuddle and watch a movie.

            “Hello”  Jacoby said answering his phone

            “Hey babe! What are you doing tonight?”

            “Having fun with the guys”

            “Oh..could you come over and hang out with me for a little bit?”

            “No we are heading to the strippers. I want to have fun tonight.”

            With this comment my emotions fumed. He couldn’t leave for an hour to spend time with his pregnant girlfriend who had just worked a job that she shouldn’t be doing. Are we that unimportant to him?

            “Well, call your girlfriend when you decide you have time for her.” I said and hung up on him. I am only important to him when it involves a place to crash or a piece of ass. Well, if he is going out to the strippers to have these girls with nothing on dance all over him I will go out with one of my friends that HE hates.

            “Hey Edaline! How’s it going?” Aiden said excitedly

            “Wanna grab dinner tonight? I’m feeling lonely”

            “Sure I’d love to take my favorite girl out! What about Jacoby?”
            “Don’t worry about him.” For once in my life I am NOT going to ask him if I can go out to dinner with my best friend.

            “Okay! I’ll pick you up in about half an hour?”

            “Sounds perfect!”  I said hanging up.

             That night I never breathed a word to Aiden about Jacoby’s comment or the fact that I had a voicemail from him. We went to enjoy some Applebee’s which was the only thing open at 10 o’clock at night. For starters out waitress wore a bright pink flower headband that seemed to engulf her whole head. I laughed till my stomach hurt when Aiden mentioned this statement to me. My favorite person was this guy across the room from us that was way too enthralled with some replay of a football game, leaving his girlfriend awkward and unattended to. The funniest part was when he noticed she had left. And towards to end of the night a Jacobylookalike came in and sat at the bar, he balled the whole time about a “Charlotte”. Finally we had to leave because both of our stomachs hurt way too much to sit in our booth any longer. To repair our abs we drove around in his 2011 blue Ford lifted truck, and boy did it feel good to be back in this beast. When he dropped me back off at my house, I was disappointed. I didn’t want this night to end but I knew it had to. He gave me a hug and told me to “take care”, I dilly dallied my way into the house. Looking at my phone I realized that I still had not listened to that voicemail, I typed in my voicemail code and deleted it. I had fun with Aiden tonight. And I had fun not having to ask permission to go out with my best friend. The only friend that still cared to be my friend even though I was pregnant.

            ***

            Despite his calls and texts I chose to ignore him until early Sunday morning, mentally all day Saturday I ran through reasons why I was ignoring him but I couldn’t place it.  When I called him I had figured out why I was ignoring him..and I wanted him to know as well..

“Finally you answer me!” Jacoby screamed at me

            “If you don’t have time for me why should I talk to you?” I said glancing at myself in the mirror, instantly I looked down at my bed sheet and began picking at the stitching.

“Because I am the father of this baby” he screamed at me a little louder

“But you don’t have time for me. Is that suddenly going to change in May when I have the baby?” I said keeping calm and placing my hand on my belly

“Who said we are keeping it?” he said with an arrogant tone of voice

“I did.” I said with a matter-of-fact tone

“I don’t agree.” he said with a tone like he is the king of me and my child

“I don’t care.” I said suddenly. I sat up on my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Suddenly looking myself up and down I realized. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. I have no makeup on but I still look beautiful. I am twenty pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life but I still see that cute hourglass shape that everyone always comments about. And in the center of my belly was a nice round bump that looked kinda like a mini dog ball was underneath my shirt. I began rubbing my hand on my baby bump and said “I don’t care what you think or what you do. Jacoby, you are not going to treat MY baby the way you treat me. Alcohol is way more important to you than I ever am or was.  Your father changed you when he tried to kill you. But that was THREE years ago it’s time to grow a pair of balls and grow up. You have two choices. Alcohol or your family.”

“I am not going to quit drinking” he said in a voice that made me sound like I was crazy. At this point I felt like a knife had gone through my stomach cutting me in half. How can he not care about me or this child? He has made it quite clear that the only thing important in his life is alcohol not me and certainly not this baby.

“Then you can say goodbye to your child. You can say goodbye to me. You will NEVER find us.” I’ve had enough. I’m done being treated like a piece of trash thrown in a dumpster.

“Your dad will tell me”

“Try him. I guarantee you he won’t. When has he ever liked you?” Tears begin welling up in my eyes, not because I’m sad but because I have just plain had enough. I grabbed a tissue to quickly blot the tears.

“I am still this baby's father” You are nothing but a sperm donor.

“Being a father entails you will be there. You are not here and you just said that alcohol is more important. Have a good life.” And which a click I hung up on  him. With my heart pumping I grabbed my pillow and my favorite quilted blanket and slept on the floor that night. Considering the fact that my bed is right by the window, I didn’t want to take the chance. I will never underestimate Jacoby’s abilities to reach me. But this time, I will take action.

***

Two weeks had gone by. That was it. And already I was getting text messages asking me to take him back. In those texts he was professing that he was a ‘changed man’ and everything would be ‘better’. I decided that I wanted some ‘girl time’ and found Maccyn at school the next day. Jacoby had made me believe that I had pushed them away because of all the drama with being pregnant and Jacoby. But after talking to Maccyn about Jacoby I felt a bit different about our friendship. I felt like I was no longer good enough for her because I can’t go out and drink or do drugs with her. I was beginning to feel like she was no longer my friend but rather someone that used to be….

***

Despite the warnings from everyone I sent that invite out and on the day of my Graduation party I paced back and forth not really focusing on any guest (which only family had cared to make their presence), neither Annabeth nor Maccyn came. This confirmed my theory. They only wanted me for the alcohol and drugs…Wow, what friends I had..

Crreeaaakkk I hear the opening of the front door and in walks Jacoby, his brother Dallon, his sister Charnell, his brothers girlfriend Sabrina-she is also pregnant and due a day after me, and his mother Kaelyn. I take a swift breathe in and slowly make my way to greet them.

“Hi guys thanks for coming!” I sighed as I hug each and every one of them.

“Congratulations future daughter in law!” Kaelyn exclaimed. Future daughter in law! Say what?! I never agreed to this contract!

Looking puzzled I glance at Jacoby who is staring at the floor. “We are not engaged.” I said matter-of-factly, crossing my arms.

“Oh well Jacoby told me…-”

Cutting her off I decided to correct the misunderstanding “Jacoby and I are not engaged see,” I put my hand on hers to show her there is no ring, “we are not even a couple.” He chose alcohol over me and you won’t make him grow a pair.  I thought but wisely did not add.

Looking at Jacoby with her stink eye she simply said “Oh” and that was the end of that conversation.

Nothing more was said to me from anyone, but right before they all left Jacoby must have felt the need to make his feelings known.

“I really want us to work on us” He said looking like he had just been shot.

“If you do remember. We did try working on us and us didn’t work. Again”

“Please” he said cupping my face in his hands and kissing me “I’ll try harder this time.” he whispered in my ear. He headed to the door in that instant, not giving me a chance to say anything.

That night I went to bed thinking about his words, and wondering if he really wanted us to work this time. Maybe I should give it another shot. As I rubbed my everyday growing baby bump I thought that maybe the sight of this bump made him change his tune about us. Despite the fact that everyone is warning me against him I might try it again, because this is my life and my baby’s not there’s. Buzz Buzz

Goodnight beautiful

With that I laid my head down on my cold pillow and closed my eyes with a smile on my face.

***

Days, weeks, months went by and we were our typical on again off again couple. We had our usual arguments about his drinking and my “immature thinking that we can care for this child” but each and every time his words found his way back into my heart, and back into my mind.

In January we found out we were having a healthy little boy, I was ecstatic, he not so much. His talk of adoption rose to a peak. He constantly told me that I couldn’t do it alone, and we couldn’t do it together. But despite him telling me I couldn’t my parents and my mind told me I could.

I also started attending my first college classes through this I began meeting new people and creating new alliances. My classes, gave me a new light on my situation. As I learned more and broadened my horizons he continued to drink and keep his the same. I gained a lot of interest in my Human Development class, learning and confirming my thoughts that he needs more help than I can give him. This also confirmed in my mind that my baby boy will not go into foster care. I will raise him with or without his...sperm donor.

***

On one crisp February morning, Washington experienced one of their usual dumping’s of snow and as a result everywhere was shut down, everywhere but my Dad’s store. My parents and I loaded up into my Dad’s truck and made our way out into the fluffy snow to pick up his employees that could not make it through the snow. As we made it down the highway I saw the drifts as tall as mountains, some may have been actual mountains. It looked as innocent as a young child, and begged to be played with.

“Isn’t that Jacoby’s truck?” my Dad said.

“Yes”

“And someone is with him?” my mom questioned

“There is?” Sure enough there was a girl sitting right beside him with hair that was the color of the beach. Instantly I recognized her. “Abril” I said not loud enough for my parents to hear. Abril and I never got along. She always wanted everything I had, boyfriends, material things and especially my friends. She never succeeded in getting any of them, until now...

That night I got on to Facebook through my Mom’s account. I went to Jacoby’s page and found tons of posts from Abril and that they have been spending a lot of time together. All of this information I was blocked from. He had been leading a double life and leaving me out of it. I was suddenly the ‘baby mama’ the ‘other women’. How could I have been so stupid!??

I decided to focus on something else, homework. I had never been fond of school until I got into college and I love every second of it. I began working on my extra credit for my Human Development class which was over abuse and the signs of it. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.  Suddenly it all made sense. Every reckless act he has ever done was abuse…Closing my book I fell, hard against my wall..he was trying to get me to miscarry…

On one Sunday afternoon we were making the country way to his house for a “family” dinner. This way had tons of small short hills, it was also a gravel road. Jacoby was not being very careful and was driving 75 on the road. Going airborne and slamming his truck to the ground after the hills. Consequently even though I was only a couple months pregnant I still felt like this baby was going to come out of my throat. I held my stomach for fear that the baby wouldn’t be the only thing coming up…

“What is that sound?” I said after the largest airborne incident. This one hurt the worst. I was seconds away from pucking up this child but I knew if I did it would cause a huge fight.

            “I don’t know” Jacoby said slowing down a bit. He stopped the truck and got out to look. “God Damnit!” He said kicking his truck and making it rock “Looks like we are going to have to limp it the rest of the way Edaline! I fucking blew a god damn tire!” Hopefully you didn’t blow this baby too… But, I know anything I say to him will only make him mad. Because I don’t know anything. I am just a ‘girl’. My stomach hurts so bad. I am really going to vomit. Breathe Edaline Breathe..

I sat up, opened my book rereading what I had just read just to be sure I comprehended it correctly. Like a brick wall it hit me. He is not playing games. He is abusing me. He is doing exactly what his father did to him for seventeen years. He is addicted to abusing and using me and he will do the same to my baby boy, who didn’t ask to be brought into this situation. I need out. With this epiphany I went to my room and found the tote of all of the things Jacoby had given me over the years. I proceeded outside and put each and every item in the trash can. Going back into my house I got on my Facebook page and posted a simple, to the point status.  Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.  :) <3 A minute later my phone rang. I ignored the call that I knew would come. It was Jacoby, calling to probably bitch me out or question me or just be the guy he is. But this time, I didn’t answer. Because this time, I am stronger. Because this time, it’s not all about me. Because this time, I am me.